Dear Walt Disney World:
I have studied carefully a video of your new Hall of Presidents tableau that features an animatronic, talking President Donald Trump figure. The 22-minute presentation in this Magic Kingdom attraction had been closed since January in order for you to incorporate a talking and gesticulating President Trump robot into the show.
And now that it’s up and running this week, I’m guessing you’d like some feedback to let you know how you did.
So here are my 10 suggestions to make the Hall of Presidents exhibit great again.
1. Everybody will be there to see the new Trump figure. But when the curtain goes up, he’s just standing there among all the other presidents.
Instead, he should get to make a dramatic entrance on stage. Suggestion: Stepping out of an Access Hollywood bus.
2. You need to work on his face more. Your mechanical Trump looks more like televangelist Jimmy Swaggert.
I think this can be fixed with a generous layer of orange oatmeal.
3. Trump’s tie is too short. To be more realistic, it needs to be farther below the pupik.
4. You’ve done a good job of including constant hand motions while the mechanical Trump talks, but you’re missing his signature move, which involves bringing both elbows close to the body and gesticulating like a T-Rex with both forearms flapping rapidly in and out in tandem.
5. The audio clip is disappointing. You’ve given America the Teleprompter Trump. It’s just the person who reads standard English prepared by somebody else. America deserves the real Trump, Twitter Trump. Sad!
6. Trump’s first speaking role in the attraction is to recite the words in the oath of office.
It would be much more realistic if he interrupted the oath to say, “And by the way, this is the biggest crowd ever at the Hall of Presidents. That’s what they’re all telling me. They’re saying, ‘Donald, there’s never been so many people here. It’s amazing! We’ve never seen anything like this before.’
“There are thousands of people outside too. They’re trying to get in, but the fire marshal won’t let them. Wow!
“Now where was I? Oh yes, ‘to the best of my ability to preseve, protect and defend …’”
7. You’ve made the animatronic Trump far too gracious. He actually says he is honored “to stand here among so many great leaders of our past.”
The real Trump would pause, then add “and plenty of not-so-great leaders. quite frankly, who have made us the laughingstock of the world. They’re all laughing at us. Well not any more. That I can tell you. Only I can lead us out of this American carnage.”
8. For a brief time during the presentation the lights should flicker, and the narrator’s voice should be temporarily replaced by another one speaking in Russian.
9. There’s a table on the stage next to Trump. It’s empty. This is a lost opportunity. Think of how much better it would look with 12 Diet Coke cans.
10. The animatronic Abraham Lincoln is seated to Trump’s left on the stage. Lincoln’s head is turned toward Trump, appearing to be listening intently to him.
Once Trump’s words more accurately reflect his genuine Twitter Trump persona, Lincoln could be reprogrammed to occasionally put his head in his hands while Trump speaks.