Short takes on the news, Volume 25:
I hope this doesn’t jeapordize “Ferret Fridays.”
A Carrabba’s Italian Grill in Stuart has issued a no-monkey rule after JoJo, a pet Capuchin monkey, bit the finger of an 8-year-old boy eating at the restaurant last month. The monkey, a frequent diner at the restaurant with his owner, had been welcome in what waiters and customers referred to as “Monkey Mondays” at the restaurant.
She’s counting on the fly-in vote
Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera is running in a Republican primary in Miami-Dade County for a seat in the U.S. Congress. If she wins on Tuesday, she will be the only candidate from a major party who claims to have been visited multiple times by space aliens.
This must be the work of NippiLeaks
A New Smyrna Beach City Commission race turned ugly this month when a Facebook ad posted by candidate John Redmond accused his opponent Jessica Realin of passing on tainted breast milk.
Realin co-founded the Florida Mothers’ Milk Bank, which provides milk to neonatal intensive care wards.
“Possibly due to genetic defects in her family donating her breast milk might pass on her inferior genes to unspecting families,” the ad read.
Redmond denied having anything to do with Facebook ad, saying that his account must have been hacked.
How does cocaine powder stay dry in the ocean?
A vote to ban plastic straws in Jupiter failed by one vote on the town’s Beach Committee, which instead approved a resolution to suggest that people in Jupiter not use plastic straws.
The movement to ban straws is largly due to a viral video that shows the painful removal of a straw lodged in the nostril of a sea turtle.
A rare example of Florida’s elected officials exhibiting their knowledge of the state’s Government Where the Sun Don’t Shine laws.
At a public meeting this month, Hallandale Beach Mayor Keith London incorrectly noted that a female commissioner is in the anal-bleaching business.
During a city budget meeting, Commissioner Anabelle Lima-Taub, chided the mayor after he referred to a city firefighter as “simple.”
“He has a college education, you don’t,” Lima-Taub told the mayor. “So I don’t really know how you can call him ‘simple.’”
London shot back by telling the commissioner that his source of income isn’t sketchy.
“Was it getting my sphincter bleached?” he asked rhetorically. “No, that would be you and your family business.”
Lima-Taub’s mother owns a spa that sells skin bleaching products.
Top-secret access on the lanai is on sale for a low, low initiation fee of $200,000* (*selfies with the nuclear football not included)
Congressional Republicans distributed a spread sheet that showed the potential investigations of President Donald Trump that would begin if Democrats control the U.S. House of Representatives, Axios reported.
One of the subjects of those 18 potential investigations is “Discussion of classified information at Mar-a-Lago.”
Pardon me, but it is too late to get an absentee ballot?
Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort may have been found guilty of eight felonies earlier this month, but the Florida voter with a home in Palm Beach Gardens is still eligible to vote in Tuesday’s primary because he has not been formally stripped of his voting rights yet.
If you were wondering why Florida didn’t wage any stupid lawsuits against gay people, environmental protection or voting rights last week …
Florida Attorney Gen. Pam Bondi, who is term limited from office after this year, spent part last week in New York as a guest co-host for the Fox News show “The Five.” Bondi spent three days co-hosting the talk show, and she also did an appearance with Sean Hannity.
Does he mean Georgia or Alabama?
President Donald Trump tweeted on Monday that Florida Gov. Rick Scott is “strong” on borders.