If you were lucky enough to miss the fifth and final debate among the five Democrats running for Florida governor, fear not.
I have a condensed recap of this hour-long event featuring Tallahassee mayor Andrew Gillum, former Miami Beach mayor Philip Levine, Palm Beach businessman Jeff Greene, former North Florida Congresswoman Gwen Graham, and some guy named Chris King.
The debate, held in Palm Beach Gardens, was moderated by WPBF-Channel 25 anchor Todd McDermott. The event and the post-debate analysis preempted the evening’s regular TV programming of the Wheel of Fortune, Jeopardy! and The Gong Show.
Here’s what you missed:
McDermott: Good evening, this is the final Democratic gubernatorial debate before the August 28 primary election. For the next hour …
Graham: I’m a woman.
Gillum: I was first in calling for Trump’s impeachment.
Levine: I’m the wealthy Jewish businessman from Boston who doesn’t have a membership at Mar-a-Lago.
Greene: Don’t go there, Levine. You donated money to Marco Rubio.
King: Can we just concentrate on criticizing Gwen Graham, fellas? She’s the one who’s ahead in the polls.
Graham: I have lady parts.
McDermott: The ground rules for this debate are simple. I will do most of the talking in the form of long questions that you will each sidestep in your own way. Then I’ll repeat the same long question four more times for the remaining candidates, who will each say that it’s a “great question” before not answering it.
Gillum: If you don’t mind, I’m going to need to talk about my humble beginnings, being the fifth of seven kids to my mom, Frances, who was a school bus driver and my daddy, Charles, a construction worker …
Levine: I have enormously high LGBTQ scores, just thought I’d mention that.
Greene: I was in a fight with Marion Hammer of the NRA last week.
McDermott: Before time runs out, I’m going to need 10 seconds on blue-green algae.
Gillum: Toxic guacamole?
Levine: I’m going to go with putrid kale smoothie. Final answer.
King: Can we fast-forward to the part when we gang up on Gwen Graham for her family’s stake in the environmentally unfriendly American Dream mega-mall, which will be a mecca for low-wage jobs on the edge of the Everglades. You can’t make this stuff up.
Graham: I am extremely proud of something … er, um … I have absolutely nothing to do with anymore. And besides, I have ovaries.
Greene: And let’s not forget, she also voted for the Keystone Pipeline when she was in Congress.
Graham: I believe the best place for oil is under the ground, but I am also a realist, a realist with a gynecologist.
Gillum: Excuse me, but for the people listening on radio, I would like to remind the audience that I am a black guy, so if these four white people ever start talking about racial issues in the state, they’re just imagining what I know.
Graham: Being the only black candidate is important — almost as important as being a mom on the PTA.
Levine: Gwen can’t even give a straight answer on whether she would welcome that skirt-chaser Bill Clinton campaigning for her in this “me too” era. Well, I’m proud to say that I would welcome Bill Clinton with open arms to campaign for me — although I would probably advise my 40-year-old newlywed wife to have other plans that day.
McDermott: Mrs. Graham, would you like to respond to the Bill Clinton question?
Graham: I absolutely would not like to respond. But I will, because that’s what women do. We smile and we respond. So I will say that I would welcome … er, um, … many people to Florida to campaign for me. Many people.
Greene: Seriously? How is she ahead? I’m the only one here who has stood up to Trump.
Levine: Hah! You called Trump a “good guy.” You joined Mar-a-Lago.
Greene: I’m a sleeper cell working from deep inside enemy territory on the lanai.
King: Let’s not fight. We all want the same things. More school spending, no assault weapons, Medicaid expansion, $15 minimum wage …
Graham: Free Midol.
McDermott: Well, that seems to be all the time we have.