More crank than crunk, I’m your Palm Beach ‘mansion party’ solution

Dear Palm Beach County mansion owner:

You have my sympathy. There you are, off in the Hamptons, Tuscany, or wherever it is you disappear during these unfashionable summer months, and you find out that your big, empty, refrigerated South Florida spare house has been transformed from an empty mausoleum of your inessential possessions to something called a “party mansion.”

Party mansion? Imagine that. And we’re not talking about the Republican party here. If only it were as genteel and passion-free as a Rick Scott fundraiser.

No, we’re talking about young, over-sexed and woefully under-capitalized Palm Beach County residents showing up by the hundreds, some of them even paying admission, to drink, smoke pot and do the kind of dives in your pool that would put you in traction for months.

Yes, this is a thing. People known as “party gods” make stealthy arrangements through property managers to use vacant mansions like yours to hold parties. These parties bring scores of cars, loud music, and late-night hubbub of a magnitude sufficient to irritate the neighbors and summon the police to shut things down.

Your Florida home, one that’s better suited for a fanciful Spanish name, like “Casa de Arbitrage,” is in danger of turning into a bacchanal-for-a-night playpen with a made-up name, such as “Palmghanistan.”

Yes, Palmghanistan. That was really a party name. Doesn’t sound very inviting to me. I’d be worried about finding landmines on the lawn and the Taliban on the lanai.

But people come. Another one in Palm Beach was called a “Pool Banger Mansion Party — Wet and Wild Edition,” which sounds more appealing, especially if it means eating British breakfast sausage in the pool.

No matter what they call these parties, you probably don’t want them at your place.

Young people can be terrific, but they rarely use coasters when placing beverage glasses on wooden surfaces.

I know what you’re thinking.

If only there were some better alternative for you, an alternative that doesn’t involve worrying about your Florida mansion while you’re having a fabulous summer in Martha’s Vineyard or some other lovely spot.

You can’t trust these property managers. You need somebody more reliable.

Like me, a person who is so community minded, that I would be willing to spend my summer living in your empty Florida mansion in order to keep it free of anything wet, wild, or Palmghanistanish.

I have compiled the following 10 comparisons, to demonstrate just how advantageous if would be for you to allow me and my family to stay in your mansion — let’s call it Cerabinostan — this summer instead of allowing it to become the site of the next Palmghanistan.


Area of concern: Riffraff

Palmghanistan: Five hundred people who wouldn’t be welcome at your club

Cerabinostan: Three people who wouldn’t be welcome at your club


Area of concern: Smoked items

Palmghanistan: Cigarettes, marijuana galore

Cerabinostan: Smoked turkey breast from Whole Foods


Area of concern: Wild behavior

Palmghanistan: Vomiting on the couch from having too much to drink

Cerabinostan: Falling asleep on the couch from binge watching House of Cards


Area of concern: Music problems

Palmghanistan: Loud rap music disturbing to neighbors

Cerabinostan: Solo accordion — disturbing, but at low volume


Area of concern: Drinking

Palmghanistan: Empty beer bottles strewn on the lawn

Cerabinostan: Empty kombucha tea bottles in the recycling bin


Area of concern: Potential medical issues

Palmghanistan: Injuries from poolside horesplay, alcohol poisoning

Cerabinostan: High LDL cholesterol


Area of concern: Vehicle issues

Palmghanistan: Too many, and parked on the lawn, the swale, and down the block

Cerabinostan: Oil leak from old Mazda


Area of cocern: Media interest

Palmghanistan: Story in The Post

Cerabinostan: Subscription to The Post


Area of concern: Health Insurance

Palmghanistan: Bouncers

Cerabinostan: Yes, and dental


Area of concern: What’s going on at 3 a.m.

Palmghanistan: Booty dancing

Cerabinostan: Waking up to go to bathroom

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