More crank than crunk, I’m your Palm Beach ‘mansion party’ solution


Dear Palm Beach County mansion owner:

You have my sympathy. There you are, off in the Hamptons, Tuscany, or wherever it is you disappear during these unfashionable summer months, and you find out that your big, empty, refrigerated South Florida spare house has been transformed from an empty mausoleum of your inessential possessions to something called a “party mansion.”

Party mansion? Imagine that. And we’re not talking about the Republican party here. If only it were as genteel and passion-free as a Rick Scott fundraiser.

No, we’re talking about young, over-sexed and woefully under-capitalized Palm Beach County residents showing up by the hundreds, some of them even paying admission, to drink, smoke pot and do the kind of dives in your pool that would put you in traction for months.

Yes, this is a thing. People known as “party gods” make stealthy arrangements through property managers to use vacant mansions like yours to hold parties. These parties bring scores of cars, loud music, and late-night hubbub of a magnitude sufficient to irritate the neighbors and summon the police to shut things down.

Your Florida home, one that’s better suited for a fanciful Spanish name, like “Casa de Arbitrage,” is in danger of turning into a bacchanal-for-a-night playpen with a made-up name, such as “Palmghanistan.”

Yes, Palmghanistan. That was really a party name. Doesn’t sound very inviting to me. I’d be worried about finding landmines on the lawn and the Taliban on the lanai.

But people come. Another one in Palm Beach was called a “Pool Banger Mansion Party — Wet and Wild Edition,” which sounds more appealing, especially if it means eating British breakfast sausage in the pool.

No matter what they call these parties, you probably don’t want them at your place.

Young people can be terrific, but they rarely use coasters when placing beverage glasses on wooden surfaces.

I know what you’re thinking.

If only there were some better alternative for you, an alternative that doesn’t involve worrying about your Florida mansion while you’re having a fabulous summer in Martha’s Vineyard or some other lovely spot.

You can’t trust these property managers. You need somebody more reliable.

Like me, a person who is so community minded, that I would be willing to spend my summer living in your empty Florida mansion in order to keep it free of anything wet, wild, or Palmghanistanish.

I have compiled the following 10 comparisons, to demonstrate just how advantageous if would be for you to allow me and my family to stay in your mansion — let’s call it Cerabinostan — this summer instead of allowing it to become the site of the next Palmghanistan.

*

Area of concern: Riffraff

Palmghanistan: Five hundred people who wouldn’t be welcome at your club

Cerabinostan: Three people who wouldn’t be welcome at your club

*

Area of concern: Smoked items

Palmghanistan: Cigarettes, marijuana galore

Cerabinostan: Smoked turkey breast from Whole Foods

*

Area of concern: Wild behavior

Palmghanistan: Vomiting on the couch from having too much to drink

Cerabinostan: Falling asleep on the couch from binge watching House of Cards

*

Area of concern: Music problems

Palmghanistan: Loud rap music disturbing to neighbors

Cerabinostan: Solo accordion — disturbing, but at low volume

*

Area of concern: Drinking

Palmghanistan: Empty beer bottles strewn on the lawn

Cerabinostan: Empty kombucha tea bottles in the recycling bin

*

Area of concern: Potential medical issues

Palmghanistan: Injuries from poolside horesplay, alcohol poisoning

Cerabinostan: High LDL cholesterol

*

Area of concern: Vehicle issues

Palmghanistan: Too many, and parked on the lawn, the swale, and down the block

Cerabinostan: Oil leak from old Mazda

*

Area of cocern: Media interest

Palmghanistan: Story in The Post

Cerabinostan: Subscription to The Post

*

Area of concern: Health Insurance

Palmghanistan: Bouncers

Cerabinostan: Yes, and dental

*

Area of concern: What’s going on at 3 a.m.

Palmghanistan: Booty dancing

Cerabinostan: Waking up to go to bathroom



Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

Palm Beach County Fire Rescue getting younger, chief says
Palm Beach County Fire Rescue getting younger, chief says

Matt Gaffney, district chief of Palm Beach County Fire Rescue, was a guest speaker at Tuesday’s Lake Worth Commission meeting, giving his annual update. Last year, Gaffney said Fire Rescue received 8,952 emergency calls. Of those, 7,405 were medical and 155 were fires. For the past five years, Fire Rescue has seen an increase of about 600 calls...
Opinion: Playboy comes to D.C.

Playboy Enterprises just announced that it has purchased a table at this year’s White House Correspondents Association dinner. Swell. Just what we need. The dinner, as you’ve probably heard, is an annual ritual of narcissism in which leading press figures don black tie and hope to see, or better yet, be seen with, Hollywood stars. Like...
UPDATE: Owner accused of elderly abuse at assisted living home near West Palm
UPDATE: Owner accused of elderly abuse at assisted living home near West Palm

The owner of an assisted living facility  in a suburban West Palm Beach neighborhood was arrested and accused of mistreating the elderly residents, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office.  A judge ordered Bhoodram Parsaram, 52, be held at the county jail on a $2,000 bond Saturday morning on charges of abuse of an elderly...
Trump in Palm Beach: President to pardon boxer? Melania at Barbara Bush funeral
Trump in Palm Beach: President to pardon boxer? Melania at Barbara Bush funeral

UPDATE 6 p.m.: Prodded by actor Sylvester Stallone, President Trump says he’s considering a posthumous pardon for boxing's first black heavyweight champion more than 100 years after he was convicted by all-white jury of accompanying a white woman across state lines. Trump tweeted this afternoon from Mar-a-Lago that “I am considering...
Prosecutors: Stuart men exploited teen runaway for sex, pornography
Prosecutors: Stuart men exploited teen runaway for sex, pornography

Last September, a report of a 16-year-old runaway led police to two Stuart men who had distributed explicit images and sex videos involving the teenager. On Friday, Richard William Lockley, 34, was sentenced by a to 15 years in prison by a Miami federal judge. He was ordered to register as a sex offender. A co-defendant — Joshua Lane Rogers,...
More Stories