You probably missed the first debate between Florida Gov. Rick Scott and U.S. Sen. Bill Nelson.
Scott and Nelson are vying for Nelson’s seat in the Senate, and after agreeing to do just two debates, the candidates did their first one this week in a way that guaranteed a minuscule audience.
Which was a blessing.
The debate, an hourlong mishmash of Spanish and English taped in the TV studio of Telemundo51 in Miramar, featured Scott and Nelson — both of whom are barely comprehensible in their native English — breaking into remedial Level 1 Spanish to add a pandering-flavored mojo marinade on the event.
Here’s the gist of what you missed:
Moderator: The candidates will be given 90 seconds to avoid answering the question. Let’s begin.
Scott:Lavase los manos.
Moderator: In an effort to discuss issues important to Floridians, most of this hour will be spent talking about Cuba, Venezuela and Puerto Rico.
Nelson: I’d like to talk about Nicaragua too.
Scott: I’ve been to Puerto Rico eight times.
Nelson: Yes, but have you been to the montañas?
Scott: Dónde está el cuarto de baño?
Moderator: Are you in favor of banning assault weapons like the AR-15 that was used in the Parkland mass shooting?
Scott: My heart goes out to anybody who gets killed by guns in Florida, but I believe in the Second Amendment.
Scott: I believe in the First Amendment, the Second Amendment. I believe in all the Amendments, although I’m not too crazy about the voting-rights-for-all-races 15th Amendment.
Nelson: I brought a Parkland victim’s father here today. Look him in the eye, Rick Scott.
Scott: That’s nothing, Bill Nelson. I brought a Cuban woman here who had one of her hands hacked off by the Castro thugs you appease.
Nelson: The only Castro I like is the Castro Convertible I use for my afternoon naps.
Scott: I’ll make you a deal: I’ll look your Parkland dad in the eye if you shake the missing hand of my Cuban woman.
Moderator: We need to move on to the Florida economy.
Nelson: Forty-four percent of hardworking Floridians don’t make a living wage.
Scott: Don’t be a tonto. Everything in Florida is great. To prove it, I’m going to read a lot of numbers really fast.
Nelson: I invite Floridians to look at fact-check websites. Everything you say, Rick Scott, is either false or pants-on-fire false.
Scott: Everybody knows that facts are the pawns of the Democrat party.
Nelson: Oye como va, la cucaracha.
Scott: You’ve had 42 years to do something about the cucarachas in Florida. And you’ve done nothing.
Nelson: The cucarachas are a state problem, and they’ve gotten worse during the last eight years.
Scott: In 42 years, you’ve done nothing but raise taxes and make more regulations.
Nelson: That’s not true. I do a lot of invisible things. For example, if you look off the coast, you won’t see oil rigs there.
Moderator: Let’s move on to immigration. What’s your position on a pathway to citizenship for undocumented immigrants in this country?
Nelson: Sounds good to me.
Scott: Florida is a big melting pot. A big pot of jobs. Which makes me think of my mom and the rough life she had, which I think of often when asked a question I’d rather not answer.
Moderator: Let’s move on to the environment …
Moderator: … and particularly the water pollution that has now spread to both Florida coasts.
Scott: The environment is important to me because my grandson is going on his first campout.
Nelson: I hope he’s not going near any Florida waters. The tide is rojo! It’s rojo!
Scott: I have nothing to do with water pollution in Florida. Bill Nelson does, and maybe Pam Bondi. As the attorney general, she’s elected on her own, so who knows what she’s up to?
Moderator: We’ll have to move on to another topic. The state of Florida is fighting to invalidate the Obamacare provision that health insurance companies must provide affordable insurance to people with pre-existing conditions. What do you …
Scott: Bondi strikes again! Not me. You’ll have to ask her.
Nelson: That is what I like to call “a whopper.” I guess as a kid, Rick Scott never got his mouth washed out with soap for telling a lie.
Scott: When I was a kid, we couldn’t afford mouth soap. Our car got repossessed. Life was hard, but my mom taught me if I worked hard, I could one day be in a position to make life more miserable for the needy.
Nelson:Besame, besame mucho.
Moderator: It’s time for closing arguments. I will give each of you a moment to consult the phonetic spellings on the incomprehensible Spanish you are about to speak. You may begin when ready.
Nelson: Voto mucho bueno. Rick Scott, malo. Tide rojo.
Scott: Bill Nelson, cucaracha. Yo soy hombre de jobos. Hasta la vista, babitos.