Cerabino: D’oh, Canada! How The War of 1812 turned into The War of 2018


Timeline for The War of 2018

***

May

31 — President Donald Trump announces 25 percent tariff on Canadian steel and 10 percent tariff on Canadian aluminum. Canada’s Department of Finance responds immediately by threatening to impose $12.8 billion in tariffs against U.S. for products ranging from wood to maple syrup to mattresses.

June

1 — Canada complains to World Trade Organization that U.S. steel and aluminum tariffs violate Chapter 20 of the North American Free Trade Agreement.

6 — News leaks of testy phone call between President Donald Trump and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. CNN reports that during call Trudeau asks Trump how he could justify tariffs as “national security” issue for U.S.

Trump answers, “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?” referring to War of 1812.

7 — American cable news programs are dominated by historians who clarify that British soldiers, not Canadians, burned down White House during War of 1812 in response to American soldiers sacking York, modern-day Toronto, which was then a British colony.

9 — White House press spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders backs up president’s assertion that Canadians burned down White House in 1812.

“The president truly believes that occurred,” she said, “and as the commander in chief, his authority is the final word in these matters.”

18 — Vancouver Canucks hockey player Bo Horvat announces that his team will take a knee during playing of American national anthem before National Hockey League games next season.

25 — President Trump doubles down on his War of 1812 claim, also accusing Canada of kidnapping Lindbergh baby.

July 

4 — In noted snub, Canada pointedly skips congratulatory message to United States on Independence Day.

12 — The cafeteria in U.S. Capitol changes breakfast menu. Maple syrup renamed “pancake freedom sauce.”

19 — Pro-Canada protesters in motorized wheelchairs block traffic in Palm Beach County on A1A in front of Briny Breezes.

26 — Celine Dion deported.

August

2 — Trump calls Canada “a soft-on-Muslims nation,” threatening to replace Somalia with Canada on travel ban.

7 — Devin Nunes, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, announces that previously undisclosed photographic evidence in John F. Kennedy assassination shows Canadian Mountie in full uniform on grassy knoll that day.

8 — Canadian protest march in Ottawa draws far more people than Trump inauguration.

12 — Trump blames Canada for Cinco de Mayo.

18 — Trump cuts diplomatic ties with Canada. The price of lumber and toilet paper doubles in America.

29 — Special counsel Robert Mueller finds pervasive collusion between Trump campaign and Russian government during 2016 presidential election as well as money laundering and coordinated efforts to obstruct justice during investigation.

30 — Sarah Huckabee Sanders says recently constipated Americans need to be focused on Canada, not Russia.

September

8 — North Korean despot Kim Jong Un offers to broker summit between Trump and Trudeau.

10 — Trump goes to Minnesota border town to talk about scourge of previously unknown MS (Maple Syrup)-13 gang that has been trafficking in shockingly cheap prescription drugs across border.

11 — Canada-U.S. summit plans scrapped after Trump announces plan to build wall on Canadian border.

12 — “We will not pay for his garsh-dern wall,” Trudeau says.

29 — Polling shows 62 percent of Americans, including 90 percent of Republicans, say Canada is greatest threat to United States.

31 — Trump holds anti-Canada patriotic singalong and poutine stomp on White House Lawn.

October

1 — Canada urges its citizens to avoid all unnecessary travel to United States. In related story, Golden Corral announces closings of its South Florida restaurants.

3 — The U.S. petitions International Olympic Committee to de-certify curling as Olympic sport.

7 — Trump TV sidekick Rudy Giuliani goes on Sunday morning TV talk shows. In rambling monologue, Giuliani asserts that Trump would be within his powers to pardon himself of war crimes after launching a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Montreal.

14 — In show of force, U.S. Navy dispatches aircraft carrier to Lake Michigan.

16 — Melania Trump goes missing. Last seen getting into trunk of car in Buffalo, N.Y., near border.

29 — Couple “acting suspiciously too nice” is attacked for being Canadian on flight to Palm Beach International Airport.

November

1 — Trump tweets that Canada was behind “the cowardly attack” on the Hindenburg.

2 — Don Jr., Ivanka and Jared are indicted in Russia probe.

3 — Seal Team 6 conducts clandestine raid at Tim Horton’s restaurant in Winnipeg.

5 — Trump convenes war cabinet on Sean Hannity’s TV show.

6 — Election Day. America declares war on Canada. Canada surrenders.

7 — Republicans retain control of Congress. Everybody pardoned.



Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

Multiple lane closures expected in West Palm Beach this week
Multiple lane closures expected in West Palm Beach this week

Summer construction is in full swing throughout Palm Beach County, notably downtown West Palm Beach. The work on Forest Hill Boulevard near Dixie Highway is scheduled to conclude Tuesday, according to Kathleen Walters, director of communications for the city. Also in West Palm Beach: - The right-turn lane on eastbound Southern Boulevard between Washington...
BREAKING: 4 men shot in Riviera Beach
BREAKING: 4 men shot in Riviera Beach

Four men were injured Sunday night in a shooting in the 1200 block of West 35th Street, police said. The shooting occurred just before 8 p.m. Three men were transported to at least one area hospital by Riviera Beach Fire Rescue, and a fourth was taken by private vehicle. Police said they will provide more details as they become available. Anyone with...
Frankel: Family splits at border is ‘government-inflicted child abuse’
Frankel: Family splits at border is ‘government-inflicted child abuse’

After visiting immigrant detention facilities in Texas, where she said she saw children living in large metal cages and spoke with sobbing mothers through translators, U.S. Rep. Lois Frankel demanded more government action and denounced what she said was a “(Donald) Trump-manufactured crisis at our border.” Frankel, D-West Palm Beach...
Saudi air defenses intercept 2 missiles from Yemen, state media says
Saudi air defenses intercept 2 missiles from Yemen, state media says

Saudi Arabia’s state-run television station said Sunday that the country’s air defense intercepted two ballistic missiles launched over Riyadh, Reuters reported. >> Read more trending news The attack, which the station alleged was  launched by Yemen’s Houthi militia, is at least the sixth to target Riyadh since December...
WATCH: Two iguanas tussle at Boca Starbucks 
WATCH: Two iguanas tussle at Boca Starbucks 

A woman stopped by a Starbucks in Boca Raton Saturday and captured an unexpected battle between two iguanas.  Shannon Moskoff was driving behind a Starbucks around 10 a.m. when she thought she saw a large tree branch -- and that’s when it moved. She rushed to grab her iPhone and started filming.  The video shows two large iguanas going...
More Stories