Cerabino: D’oh, Canada! How The War of 1812 turned into The War of 2018


Timeline for The War of 2018

***

May

31 — President Donald Trump announces 25 percent tariff on Canadian steel and 10 percent tariff on Canadian aluminum. Canada’s Department of Finance responds immediately by threatening to impose $12.8 billion in tariffs against U.S. for products ranging from wood to maple syrup to mattresses.

June

1 — Canada complains to World Trade Organization that U.S. steel and aluminum tariffs violate Chapter 20 of the North American Free Trade Agreement.

6 — News leaks of testy phone call between President Donald Trump and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. CNN reports that during call Trudeau asks Trump how he could justify tariffs as “national security” issue for U.S.

Trump answers, “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?” referring to War of 1812.

7 — American cable news programs are dominated by historians who clarify that British soldiers, not Canadians, burned down White House during War of 1812 in response to American soldiers sacking York, modern-day Toronto, which was then a British colony.

9 — White House press spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders backs up president’s assertion that Canadians burned down White House in 1812.

“The president truly believes that occurred,” she said, “and as the commander in chief, his authority is the final word in these matters.”

18 — Vancouver Canucks hockey player Bo Horvat announces that his team will take a knee during playing of American national anthem before National Hockey League games next season.

25 — President Trump doubles down on his War of 1812 claim, also accusing Canada of kidnapping Lindbergh baby.

July 

4 — In noted snub, Canada pointedly skips congratulatory message to United States on Independence Day.

12 — The cafeteria in U.S. Capitol changes breakfast menu. Maple syrup renamed “pancake freedom sauce.”

19 — Pro-Canada protesters in motorized wheelchairs block traffic in Palm Beach County on A1A in front of Briny Breezes.

26 — Celine Dion deported.

August

2 — Trump calls Canada “a soft-on-Muslims nation,” threatening to replace Somalia with Canada on travel ban.

7 — Devin Nunes, chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, announces that previously undisclosed photographic evidence in John F. Kennedy assassination shows Canadian Mountie in full uniform on grassy knoll that day.

8 — Canadian protest march in Ottawa draws far more people than Trump inauguration.

12 — Trump blames Canada for Cinco de Mayo.

18 — Trump cuts diplomatic ties with Canada. The price of lumber and toilet paper doubles in America.

29 — Special counsel Robert Mueller finds pervasive collusion between Trump campaign and Russian government during 2016 presidential election as well as money laundering and coordinated efforts to obstruct justice during investigation.

30 — Sarah Huckabee Sanders says recently constipated Americans need to be focused on Canada, not Russia.

September

8 — North Korean despot Kim Jong Un offers to broker summit between Trump and Trudeau.

10 — Trump goes to Minnesota border town to talk about scourge of previously unknown MS (Maple Syrup)-13 gang that has been trafficking in shockingly cheap prescription drugs across border.

11 — Canada-U.S. summit plans scrapped after Trump announces plan to build wall on Canadian border.

12 — “We will not pay for his garsh-dern wall,” Trudeau says.

29 — Polling shows 62 percent of Americans, including 90 percent of Republicans, say Canada is greatest threat to United States.

31 — Trump holds anti-Canada patriotic singalong and poutine stomp on White House Lawn.

October

1 — Canada urges its citizens to avoid all unnecessary travel to United States. In related story, Golden Corral announces closings of its South Florida restaurants.

3 — The U.S. petitions International Olympic Committee to de-certify curling as Olympic sport.

7 — Trump TV sidekick Rudy Giuliani goes on Sunday morning TV talk shows. In rambling monologue, Giuliani asserts that Trump would be within his powers to pardon himself of war crimes after launching a pre-emptive nuclear strike against Montreal.

14 — In show of force, U.S. Navy dispatches aircraft carrier to Lake Michigan.

16 — Melania Trump goes missing. Last seen getting into trunk of car in Buffalo, N.Y., near border.

29 — Couple “acting suspiciously too nice” is attacked for being Canadian on flight to Palm Beach International Airport.

November

1 — Trump tweets that Canada was behind “the cowardly attack” on the Hindenburg.

2 — Don Jr., Ivanka and Jared are indicted in Russia probe.

3 — Seal Team 6 conducts clandestine raid at Tim Horton’s restaurant in Winnipeg.

5 — Trump convenes war cabinet on Sean Hannity’s TV show.

6 — Election Day. America declares war on Canada. Canada surrenders.

7 — Republicans retain control of Congress. Everybody pardoned.



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