Chinese-food indigestion? It’s the chicken, the rice. No, it’s a boy!


News item: A Florida woman woke up in the middle of the night with abdominal pains she blamed on a bad batch of Chinese food.

But it wasn’t the General Tso’s chicken. It was labor pains. Her boy was born on the way to the hospital.

The woman later told the Pensacola News Journal she had no idea she was pregnant.

***

Dear fertile women of Florida:

Please let’s not make this a trend story. Florida already has a reputation for being populated by people who are often far too interesting for their own good.

Like the Florida woman who recently tried to board a Spirit Airlines flight to Fort Lauderdale with her “emotional support hamster.”

(Personally, I would need a far more substantial animal than a hamster to give me a sufficient amount of emotional bolstering to get me through a Spirit flight to South Florida.)

Anyway, the airline refused to let the Florida woman’s pet hamster board the flight, and the woman — as if to prove just how emotionally off-kilter she was — flushed her hamster down the toilet in the airport restroom before boarding the flight.

That story from February had “Florida Woman Story of the Year” written all over it. But that was before Crystal Gail Amerson came along with her stealthy full-gestation indigestion.

I’m not sure how you can be ready-to-pop pregnant and not know about it.

But I do know about the abdominal discomfort that comes with a bad meal. Although, my trauma involved a Florida Turnpike Burger King fish filet sandwich and the sudden evacuation of a vehicle on the southbound lanes of the Turnpike.

My apologies to the other motorists who saw me sprinting over the guardrail and into the woods with a fist full of napkins in one hand. I didn’t give birth to a baby that day. It was more of a semi-pelagic schooling fish, perhaps an Alaskan pollock.

But the point is, the source of my discomfort was not a mystery to me.

By contrast, Amerson was erroneously attributing her childbirth pain to a Chinese meal, and she waited an hour as the cramps got worse before calling an ambulance, the News Journal reported.

While on the way to the hospital, she delivered her child. Which was a real shocker, she told the newspaper, because she had no idea she was pregnant.

So to all the childbearing-capable women who are reading this, please take note. Be careful after eating Asian food.

The sensations you are feeling may not be related to the food as much as your sexual history.

Ask yourself, “Could it be that it’s not the tom kha gai but some young guy?”

It very well may not be the restaurant’s egg roll but your egg’s role.

Don’t blame the dim sum if the real problem is you’re dim plenty.

Remember: If your clothes haven’t fit since June, it may not be the crab Rangoon.

We’ve already got more than enough Florida women with interesting issues — and I’m not just talking about the Polk County woman charged with DUI on a horse — to suddenly find ourselves with a rash of women who are wrongfully blaming dirty Asian kitchens for their immaculate conceptions.

Coming to grips with your pregnancy before the delivery date is probably a good idea. And if you need some emotional support, you can always get yourself a hamster.

Unless you’re planning to fly on Spirit.



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