The FBI has way too many things to investigate.
And it’s not just the Russian interference in U.S. elections, a terrorist attack in New York, and that fishy $300 million contract to fix Puerto Rico’s electrical grid.
Those are just the most high-profile investigations. The FBI is also conducting ongoing investigations of bribery in NCAA college basketball, voter fraud allegations in various states, and possible federal crimes involving movie producer Harvey Weinstein’s sexcapades.
Not to mention every bank robbery in America. There were 4,251 of them last year alone.
The 13,200-or-so special agents of the FBI have way too much to do.
So when I found out that the FBI is now investigating a case of two consenting adults engaging in a sexual act while sitting in their seats on a Delta Air Lines flight between Los Angeles and Detroit, I found myself saying, “Pass this one off, FBI. Delegate. You’ve got enough on your plate without taking a sex-on-a-plane investigation. You need a breather.”
Yes, I know what goes on in commercial flights is within the FBI’s reach. And it might be tempting to investigate how two strangers can meet on a commercial flight, and within the time it takes to fly half the country and eat a bag of nuts, they could be so willing to throw caution to the wind.
But on the other hand, they were on a plane heading to Detroit.
Worst case scenario: Crash landing. Best case scenario: Welcome to Detroit.
So let it go, FBI.
Or make it a quickie. Wham-bam on-to-Islam.
After all, this sex-on-a-plane investigation isn’t going to take the state-of-the-art FBI crime lab in Quantico, Virginia. No wiretaps, FISA warrants or drones will be needed. This isn’t a whodunnit.
We already know that the unidentified 48-year-old woman dunnit to the unidentified 28-year-old man on the first leg of their transcontinental flights. She would head to Nashville and he would go to Miami.
But now it’s a federal case.
“The act within itself is very inappropriate in a public space,” an airline passenger told WDIV-TV news in Detroit. “There are children. There are families. There are seniors. These things should be respected.”
I wouldn’t worry about the seniors. That’s got to be more entertaining for them than watching another rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond on the plane.
“The FBI tells Local 4 that they are still investigating this and the two could be charged with anything from a misdemeanor to a felony,” the TV news report said.
How would you like to be that agent? The agent sitting next to you is running down tips on an ISIS sleeper cell, and you’re off to Miami to interrogate the guy who joined the Mile High Club last weekend.
“You have the right to put your seat back in its original upright position …”
Maybe the FBI is investigating sex on commercial airline flights to get a better understanding on how it’s done, and for the possible recruitment of especially limber agents.
There’s barely enough leg room on commercial flights for one set of legs, the seats don’t recline very much or at all, and with less competition among airlines, there are fewer flights, meaning that the planes are usually full.
Good luck clearing out a row.
Especially to and from Florida. Even Tom Cruise, in one of those Mission Impossible movies, would find it too impossible to have sex on a Florida flight.
So let the sex go, FBI.
Instead, it might be an excellent time to advise the air-traveling public that you’ve already got a lot of very important active investigations going on, and in the interest of national security, it would not be helpful to invest time and assets this way.
And the best course of action for airline travelers in situations like this is to go by the advice: If you see something, try minding your own beeswax for the good of the country.