Cerabino: Shamed columnist finds readers’ cold commentary a dying art


Notes from hell; Volume 102:

***

What I miss when my Sunday Palm Beach Post does not arrive until Monday morning:

1. Frank Cerabino’s column;

2. The death notices to see if I am here;

3. The pictures on the death notices to see if I look better than those women.

— Faith Campbell

Dear Faith:

It’s a great honor to know that I rank higher than the death notices, and also the photos of the dead.

I often wonder where I fit in among readers. Usually, they tell me I’m somewhere between the crossword puzzle and the comics. And almost always being read in a seated position in the bathroom.

But to rise above the dead, well, that’s high praise.

***

As a dedicated and loyal Palm Beach Post reader, my jaw dropped upon reading the article that you penned in response to Palm Beach State College’s ad for figure models … The self degradation and body shaming you engage in an attempt at humor doesn’t read as funny or relatable …

“If you’re having a hard time gaining weight, don’t take it to the paper, take it to the gym.

— Disheartened figure model Emily Fang

Dear Fang:

1. I love the Palm Beach State College’s ads, even more than the death notices.

2. Sorry about your jaw — and your dislocated sense of humor, too.

3. I have no problem gaining weight.

***

Just read your column. The thought of you posing nude turns my stomach. 

Can’t eat dinner. We may have struck on a new way to lose weight.

Ted Kenny

Dear Ted:

I’m happy to help you. In fact, if you give me some notice, I’ll strike a pose that will make you want to skip lunch, too.

***

The Boynton Beach Senior Center is a wonderful place for a terrific gathering of really nice, friendly seniors …

The facility is clean, albeit an older building, but now comes the problem: It is like a meat locker in there most days!! 

You know how most seniors are usually cold anyway, wearing sweaters most of the time, well yesterday we had to even go outside into the sun to defrost!!

— Flossie

Dear Flossie:

I always wondered why so many senior citizens in Boynton Beach appeared to be standing around outside and doing nothing.

Now I know. They’re defrosting.

This also explains why there are no nude figure model art classes at the senior center.

***

Why are you always so negative?

— Bob Allen

1. Are you positive I’m negative?

2. I think you might be trying to “mind shame” me.

3. Wanna see negative? Read the next note.

***

Through the years I have gone through a real progression of emotions each time I read one of your columns.

At first, more often than not, I would put the paper down angry and wondering, ‘Did you really mean what you wrote in your column, or were you just making that stuff up?’

Over time, I even began to feel a little sorry for you. How could this man write such articles and not know he was the laughingstock of Palm Beach County? Even a little like that “town fool” that people snicker and laugh at.

Today, however, you have reached a new low. And I mean LOW.

The only word that can reasonably come to my mind after reading your column today is … disgusting.

Sorry, the honeymoon is over with feeling sorry for you.

— Marvin Blitz

Dear Marvin:

1. Thanks for the great note. Even Emily the disheartened figure model must have gotten a chuckle out of that.

2. I didn’t know we were honeymooning.

3. It may be time for you to step outside and defrost.



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