Here are my 30 resolutions for the new year:
1. No, I will not take the short customer opinion survey at the end of the call.
2. I will not vote for any candidate who poses in campaign literature with other people’s children.
3. I will admit to myself that I’ve done a lousy job at paying attention to the license plate numbers on the Silver Alert highway signs.
4. In my response to readers, I will refrain from correcting the spelling and grammar mistakes of those who write to tell me how stupid I am.
5. I will do a better job at finding more Jews, Muslims, Hindus, and atheists to say “Merry Christmas” to next year.
6. I will paint the outside of my house. First in one color, and then in another color that my wife likes better.
7. When the Publix cashier asks me “Did you find everything you were looking for?” I will attempt to engage in a philosophical discussion that brings us both to tears and closes the register.
8. I will be nicer to Donald Trump by reacting to whatever egregious thing he does by saying, “But the stock market is up.”
9. When the stock market inevitably goes down, I will agree with my Republican friends that Trump is not to blame, and instead grouse, “Thanks, Obama.”
10. I will not eat after 8 o’clock at night.
11. Except for maybe ice cream. Or chocolate. Or a grilled bacon-and-cheese sandwich.
12. I will bring back saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to childless women.
13. I will avoid being redundant and repeating myself.
14. I will use my barbecue grill more in an attempt to save America’s coal industry.
15. In an effort to be nicer to people who vape, I will not fake cough while walking through the clouds of fruity mist they trail behind them, and will refrain from referring to their nicotine delivery devices as “the douche flute.”
16. I will bring back wishing “Happy Valentines Day” to those without valentines.
17. To help pedestrians to scurry faster for their lives, I will push for the Benny Hill theme song to be piped into speakers at the crosswalk of Okeechobee Boulevard between the Palm Beach County Convention Center and CityPlace in West Palm Beach.
18. I will renew my gym membership, but reserve the right to defer actually going to the gym until 2019.
19. I will refuse to write the word “infrastructure” when I just mean roads and bridges.
20. I will be more patient with people who walk back to their parked cars, and despite seeing you waiting there in your idling car to take their parking space when they pull out, they still sit in the driver’s seat of their cars for five minutes, playing with their phones, grooming themselves in the mirror or just staring into space. Like nobody’s waiting! Like they’re the only freakin’ person in the parking lot! Like they don’t have anything on their calendars until next Tuesday! Like … er, um … I will be more patient with them.
21. I will bring back saying “Happy Halloween” to Seventh-Day Adventists.
22. I will stop imagining that casual acquaintances want to hear me extol the virtues of colon health through daily gulpings of water mixed with psyllium husks.
23. If you ask me about psyllium husks, I will leave out some of the more detailed descriptions of their results.
24. I will try riding the Brightline train between West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale, even it if means driving 30 minutes from my home in Boca Raton to the West Palm Beach station to catch a 30-minute train ride from there to Fort Lauderdale.
25. I will make a point of saying “Happy 4th of July” to citizens of other countries.
26. I will not be tempted to try a new Taco Bell menu item no matter how creatively it employs the use of Doritos.
27. In order to preserve and cherish our vanishing past, I will push to get Yesteryear Village at the South Florida Fairgrounds to update its time frame to the golden era of George W. Bush and Barack Obama.
28. I will fix all broken sprinklers on my lawn, but probably not before a neighbor says, “Hey, you’ve got a broken sprinkler.”
29. I will sign any voter petition that creates a referendum to amend the state constitution to enshrine the right to gluten freedom.
30. I will bring back saying “Happy Arbor Day” to people who live in barren deserts.