Cerabino: From soup to nuts, reader mail takes a disturbing turn


Notes from hell: Volume 101:

*

“In all the years that I have been coming to Florida, to this beautiful state, the only blight, the only disturbing experience I have ever had is the Frank Cerabino column … 

“I write for all those victims who are too busy to do so, who don’t think it matters, who suffer in silence, who cannot express themselves, or who are too ignorant to know that ‘their pursuit of happiness’ has been attacked and demeaned in every one his columns.”

— Maria Massimi

Dear Maria:

Thank you for representing those who are “too ignorant” to appreciate the “disturbing experience” of reading my column.

***

“I was saddened to see that your wonderful column today was strategically placed under the earth-shattering news that a turning lane on Flagler is scheduled to reopen … 

“Certainly a man of your stature should not be treated this way.”

— Frank Kessler

Dear Mr. Kessler:

You’ve got this all wrong. Being roadwork-adjacent can transform a mediocre column into a special one.

It’s competing with Stormy Daniels updates that would be tough.

***

“The local homeless shelter reduced its minimum dress code to ‘Steve Bannon casual.’”

— Tom O’Connell

Dear Tom:

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s my understanding that ‘Steve Bannon casual’ is one step more disheveled than ‘I-95 exit ramp cocktail chic.’”

***

“Do you know why people have suddenly started leaving sometimes two or three car lengths between them and the person ahead when sitting at red lights?”

— Molly Bernard

Dear Molly:

What you describe is formally known as “safe texting distance.” It allows the driver to text with impunity without having to worry about rear-ending the car in front due to a gradual, accidental easing of foot pressure on the brake pedal.

***

“Just wait until you’re over 80! Napping is very normal in this age range.”

— Brett Sorge

Dear Brett:

Thanks for the warning.

I’ve been tracking my advancing years and noting the changes. For example, nobody told me that once you turn 60, you develop a new interest in the “soup of the day” at restaurants.

I suddenly have multiple questions about soup. It’s amazing how many questions a person can have about soup.

***

“I appreciated your comments in this morning’s Palm Beach Post regarding New Yorkers seeking a tax shelter and immigrating to our fine state. I think it terribly important that we nip this in the bud. 

“Perhaps a border wall to keep New Yorkers (and others) out of Florida would work, and maybe we could get New York to pay for it.”

— Jim Lichtenberg

Dear Jim:

I hear they are in big caravans heading north this month. And some are therapists.

***

“Since you pontificate and know it all for any matter, why don’t you run to be the Furgher of this country?”

— Gianni

Dear Gianni:

I’m not interested in being a Furgher, because when it comes to clothes, I’m more Steve Bannon casual.

***

“Why is Turkey after Afrin? 

Surely, (Turkish President Recep) Erdogan is suffering from bad allergies — Can one be allergic to Kurds? — or simply has a bad head cold.”

— Dan Kurschner

Dear Mr. Kurschner:

I’m not military tactician, but everybody knows that once you topple Afrin, the Flonase of arms into the Dristanistan province dries up, leading to an exodus of Neo-Synephrine fighters from the al-Mucinex brigades.

***

“I will not be reading your column while eating anymore. I have choked on my food while laughing at your outstanding humor and it is dangerous to my health. I will wait for 10 minutes after meals and not have to fear food coming out of my nose.”

— Susan Weinstein

Dear Susan:

Your food choking must be one of those disturbing reading experiences that Maria Massimi was writing about.

You might want to try reading my column while eating soup. Maybe a consommé or a tomato bisque (hold the croutons).

This way, should there be an unexpected eruption, the passing of the liquid would be less painful that what Gianni might call a “Burgher” coming out of your nose.



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