The 2018 Atlantic hurricane season has started, marking that time of year when tropical cyclones develop in the North Atlantic, Floridians test their generators, and Americans wonder if Melania Trump may be lost in a storm.
As a full-service local news columnist and a long-time South Florida resident, I am here to answer your not-frequently-asked questions during this hyper-political year:
Q: Being that Tropical Storm Alberto happened a week before the hurricane season arrived, does this mean the season will end a week early?
A: No. The season will end either at the scheduled date of November 30, or immediately after a hurricane forecaster makes a racist “Planet of the Apes” remark.
Q: If Hurricane Ernesto, the fifth-named storm of this hurricane season, comes into the U.S. through Mexico, will that country pay for the damage here?
A: Apparently not. Or as Mexico’s former president Vincente Fox put it: “We will not pay for your (expletive deleted) eye wall!”
Q: Will the strength of the storms this year have anything to do with climate change?
A: The answer varies: “Yes” for Democrats. “No” for Republicans. “What’s climate change?” for the Floridians whose votes actually determine elections here.
Q: Can I take my emotional support dog to a hurricane shelter during a storm?
A: Palm Beach County has a pet-friendly shelter in suburban Boynton Beach. But if that’s not an option, you might try giving your dog an Ambien and hope it doesn’t wake up a racist.
Q: Do you have a suggestion for an X-rated Florida-hurricane-themed movie that uses one of the names of this year’s storms?
A: “Debby Does Dunedin.”
Q: What are the three main dangers people face after they’ve been hit hard by a hurricane?
A: (1) Walking near downed live wires; (2) Mishandling power saws (3) Being hit in the head with a roll of paper towels thrown by the president.
Q: During a hurricane evacuation, am I allowed to just tuck my gun in my pants and take it with me even though I don’t have a concealed weapons permit?
A: That’s a stupid question. Imagine any gun law that would be dangerous and ill-advised. Then remind yourself that this is Florida.
Of course that’s legal. Happy road raging on the long gas lines!
Q: I’m concerned that the National Hurricane Center is colluding with Home Depot in South Florida to drive up the sales of storm supplies. Is there any way we can investigate this?
A: It would take the appointment of a special forecaster.
Q: With all the “fake news” posted on Twitter, how will I know that the hurricane posts I see aren’t actually written by Russian bots?
A: Look for backward “r”s in the type and any storm damage reports that blame Hillary Clinton, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau or MS-13.
Q: Will the U.S. continue to participate with the other 190 member states in the World Meteorological Organization formed by the United Nations?
A: I wouldn’t count on it. The U.S. is getting too many hurricanes. The world is laughing at us.
Our stupid leaders in the past didn’t know how to do weather deals. We need a better weather deal, and more named storms that don’t sound like the names of illegal immigrants.
Do you hear that, potential Hurricane Rafael?
We need more storms that sound like they come from Norway: Tropical Storm Asbjørn, Hurricane Kjersti, Super Storm Magnus.
We’re tired of getting weather from the coastal waters of the s—-hole countries of the world.
America Weather First.
Plus, give us back Melania.
Q: Will somebody demand an apology for this column?
A: It’s within the cone of probabilities.