Cerabino: A dream job for those who aren’t movers or shakers


Current job posting:

“Palm Beach State College is recruiting for models for life drawing and anatomy classes.

“Models are expected to be able to hold poses from 30 seconds to as long as 45 minutes.

“While athletic ability is not required, body awareness and the ability to twist, turn, bend and accentuate the 3-dimensional qualities of the figure in poses is highly desirable.

“The work is performed under supervision of the class instructor during class hours and models must be able to work with instructors, be punctual, and record hours after each working session.

“Must be comfortable posing clothed or nude.”

***

To Whom it May Concern:

I am writing in response to a job listing from Palm Beach State College that seeks workers for part-time employment as models for drawing and anatomy classes.

I will admit right from the start that I have no past job experience in this area, but I’ve been told by my wife on numerous occasions that I have a real talent for remaining motionless for impressive stretches of time.

Certainly more than the 45 minutes mentioned in your ad.

This usually happens on weekends when she fantasizes that I might be scurrying about the house doing some minor plumbing, landscaping or tidying up. But instead, there I am on the couch, brushing up on my art model skills (Who knew!) while watching the NBA playoffs or just about anything else.

In fact, during Netflix binges, I’ve been known to “hold a pose” for several hours at a time.

Which brings up a question: Will I be able to bring a TV to these model sessions? Just wondering. No worries if not. I am perfectly capable of entertaining myself while keeping still by other means.

For example, I would be really good at any poses that involve me reading from my Kindle, or lightly dozing. Or better yet, doing both, usually in succession. Start out on the Kindle, then transition into the dozing. I can do that every day. Trust me. I’ve been practicing.

Another question: Do I need to bring my own snacks? You do give models brief time-outs to reach for pastries and light hors d’oeuvres, I assume.

Your ad mentions that models must have “body awareness,” and let me just assure you that I am extremely aware of my own body, especially since my pants started fitting tighter a few months ago.

But I imagine that this extra weight just adds to those “3-dimensional qualities of the figure” you are seeking. Especially when I turn sideways. If only I knew this was making me more employable, I would have eaten more Funyuns.

And yes, I am pretty good at twists — just as long as you don’t expect me to untwist any time soon afterward. In fact, once you twist me, I’m probably locked in, not only for the rest of the session, but for hours after that.

Finally, you mentioned that models must be comfortable posing nude. And to assure you that I am comfortable in being nude in a room full of strangers, please take a look at the enclosed photos.

As you can see, they were selfies taken inside a Walgreen’s.

That first one is a little hard to make out, considering that I was attempting an artistic bend to accentuate the 3-dimensional qualities of my torso while trying to keep that rude employee who was dialing 911 from getting in the shot.

The next photo is better. You can see how motionless I am, despite that the officer running toward me in the background of the frame was yelling, “Taser, Taser, Taser!” and just moments away from zapping me. That took a lot of control.

Finally, I think you need to know that I don’t have any tattoos, but I do have a few visible barb wounds from the Taser on my rear end.

I hope that’s not a problem.



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