We here at the Citizens Against Virtually Everything are uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the candidacy of Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera for a soon-to-be vacant Florida seat in the U.S. House of Representatives.
As you might expect, we CAVEs are usually against most things, especially in the political realm, but this next election cycle is promising to put Florida in the sort of national spotlight it richly deserves.
We’ve already got that eccentric Central Florida lawyer, Austin Gillespie, who has changed his name to Augustus Sol Invictus. He announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate after being a featured speaker at a neo-Nazi gathering in Charlottesville, Virginia this summer.
Mr. Invictus’ other claim to fame is animal sacrifice.
“I sacrificed an animal to the god of the wilderness,” he once acknowledged. “Yes, I drank the goat’s blood.”
Having one candidate of Augustus Sol Invictus’ caliber is more than enough for most states. But in Florida, he’s just an opening act. And let’s face it, his chances of being nominated by Republicans to run against Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson, seem, well … remote. Even in the age of Trump. Which is saying something.
But Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera is a different story.
She has already been elected by the voters of Doral in Miami-Dade County to be their city councilwoman. And she has some strong ties to the Republican party. Her daughter is the former Republican National Committee Hispanic outreach director and her son-in-law is Vice President Mike Pence’s deputy chief of staff.
She’s not some goat-blood guzzler.
She’s a woman abducted by space aliens.
At least that’s what she said in multiple interviews. She said that when she was 7 years old, she was taken into alien spaceship that hovered off the ground, and that the three space aliens she encountered then have been communicating to her telepathically several times afterward.
As you might imagine, this has already come up in her campaign. And to her credit, she’s not changing her story.
“I join the majority of Americans who believe that there must be intelligent life in the billions of planets and galaxies in the universe,” she said.
We here at CAVE have not developed a position paper on the existence of intelligent life in the universe, but we’re confident there’s not much intelligent life in the U.S. House of Representatives these days.
So why not put a woman there who was abducted by aliens? Maybe they’ll come back and take the whole Freedom Caucus one day.
It shouldn’t bother anybody that Aguilera engages in telepathic communication with benign extra-terrestrial beings? That would be a refreshing change of pace from the Congressional status quo: Engaging in financial communication with terrestrial lobbyists representing pernicious special interests that distort our democracy.
And we could use a little “Earth First” sentiment in Congress.
We here at CAVE aren’t even sure whether Aguilera would break new ground in Florida politics, which may already be influenced by space aliens.
Look at our governor, Rick Scott. He’s a cross between a Saturday Night Live Conehead and Bat Boy from the Weekly World News.
And has anybody really looked into where Scott came from? One day, he just arrived as a fully formed human being from Texas. Or was it “Texas”?
Next thing you know, he’s setting up medical testing clinics that draw biological specimens from human Floridians. He’s out there probing away. Probing, probing, probing.
And somehow he became our leader by warning us to be afraid of terrestrial aliens from Central America.
Aguilera remembers the space aliens who took her on their spaceship as tall, blonde and Christ-like. Two were women and one was a man, she said. That’s more gender diversity than the average Congressional working group on women’s health issues.
And it’s another reason why we CAVEs think it just might be time for a little space-alien influence in our national politics.
So vote for Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera. She’s out of this world.