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Latest from Frank Cerabino

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White nationalist rally in Gainesville was storm that fizzled
 So “Hurricane Spencer” turned out to be a Category Zero. Richard Spencer, the white nationalist who reveled in the notoriety he created by speaking at the University of Florida last week, craved the dread he had created in the state. Gov. Rick Scott had issued a state of emergency days before his speech. Security costs for this...

Posted: 2 days ago

So “Hurricane Spencer” turned out to be a Category Zero. Richard Spencer, the white nationalist who reveled in the notoriety he created by speaking at the University of Florida last week, craved the dread he had created in the state. Gov. Rick Scott had issued a state of emergency days before his speech. Security costs for this...
Cerabino: ‘Senator Death’ puts happy face on nursing home fatalities
 I knew that state Sen. Dennis Baxley was a death enthusiast, but until recently, I underestimated his passion. Baxley’s a funeral director by trade who dabbles in lawmaking on the side. The state’s 2005 “stand your ground” gun law is his baby. It’s a big reason for the 31 percent uptick in gun homicides in Florida...

Posted: 3 days ago

I knew that state Sen. Dennis Baxley was a death enthusiast, but until recently, I underestimated his passion. Baxley’s a funeral director by trade who dabbles in lawmaking on the side. The state’s 2005 “stand your ground” gun law is his baby. It’s a big reason for the 31 percent uptick in gun homicides in Florida...
Beam her up; alien-contacted Florida candidate seeks House seat
 We here at the Citizens Against Virtually Everything are uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the candidacy of Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera for a soon-to-be vacant Florida seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. As you might expect, we CAVEs are usually against most things, especially in the political realm, but this next election cycle...

Posted: 5 days ago

We here at the Citizens Against Virtually Everything are uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the candidacy of Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera for a soon-to-be vacant Florida seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. As you might expect, we CAVEs are usually against most things, especially in the political realm, but this next election cycle...
Cerabino: Campaign cash dwarfs reason in utilities regulator choice
 Oh, no. Not the dwarf-tossing enthusiast. We have a new appointment to Florida’s Public Service Commission, which is designed to represent the taxpayers’ interests when it comes to setting rates and overseeing the state’s largest electric utility companies and other regulated industries. In theory. But we don’t live...

Posted: 6 days ago

Oh, no. Not the dwarf-tossing enthusiast. We have a new appointment to Florida’s Public Service Commission, which is designed to represent the taxpayers’ interests when it comes to setting rates and overseeing the state’s largest electric utility companies and other regulated industries. In theory. But we don’t live...
Cerabino: The ‘Mar-a-Lago Strategy’ to shield Trump from Palm Beachers
 To: All Mar-a-Lago personnel From: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Subject: Implementing the Mar-a-Lago Strategy * In the interest of national security, the strategy, aka Operation Blabbermouth, will go into effect immediately the next time the President of the United States (POTUS) makes a weekend visit to his private club in Palm...

Posted: 7 days ago

To: All Mar-a-Lago personnel From: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Subject: Implementing the Mar-a-Lago Strategy * In the interest of national security, the strategy, aka Operation Blabbermouth, will go into effect immediately the next time the President of the United States (POTUS) makes a weekend visit to his private club in Palm...
Cerabino: “Lucky Lou” seeks Friday the 13th lottery fortune again
 It’s another Friday the 13th, Lou Eisenberg’s lucky day. Eisenberg, 89, who lives in a modest townhouse in suburban West Palm Beach, will do what he always does on days like this: Play his six lucky numbers 3, 14, 22, 24, 25 and 29. It was on a Friday the 13th, nearly 36 years ago, when Eisenberg hit the New York Lottery&rsquo...

Posted: 10 days ago

It’s another Friday the 13th, Lou Eisenberg’s lucky day. Eisenberg, 89, who lives in a modest townhouse in suburban West Palm Beach, will do what he always does on days like this: Play his six lucky numbers 3, 14, 22, 24, 25 and 29. It was on a Friday the 13th, nearly 36 years ago, when Eisenberg hit the New York Lottery&rsquo...
Cerabino: For Trump, challenging Tillerson’s IQ is a no-brainer
 From: POTUS To: Secretary Tillerson Subject: Your IQ test So this is happening, Rex. One of my unlimited executive powers allows me to make up IQ tests. And I’ve consulted with some of the smartest people I know — Dog the Bounty Hunter, Omaroso, and Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends — to come up with a much more accurate...

Posted: 12 days ago

From: POTUS To: Secretary Tillerson Subject: Your IQ test So this is happening, Rex. One of my unlimited executive powers allows me to make up IQ tests. And I’ve consulted with some of the smartest people I know — Dog the Bounty Hunter, Omaroso, and Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends — to come up with a much more accurate...
Cerabino: McDonald’s nugget sauce shortage riles ‘Rick and Morty’ fans
 *** The correct answer is (e). Silly Lives Matter. It’s a much under-reported movement in this country. Galvanizing people to action over important things, such as comprehensive health-care or immigration policy, is a fool’s errand. And the only sure way to get everybody focused on foreign wars is to start a draft of American...

Posted: 13 days ago

*** The correct answer is (e). Silly Lives Matter. It’s a much under-reported movement in this country. Galvanizing people to action over important things, such as comprehensive health-care or immigration policy, is a fool’s errand. And the only sure way to get everybody focused on foreign wars is to start a draft of American...
No need for Florida AG Bondi to put the squeeze on O.J. Simpson
 It’s time to diffuse the tension between Florida Attorney Gen. Pam Bondi and released celebrity felon, O.J. Simpson. Bondi, who rarely misses a chance for shameless grandstanding, wrote a legally frivolous letter to Simpson’s Nevada parole board last week, suggesting that the soon-to-be-sprung Simpson would not be welcomed...

Posted: 16 days ago

It’s time to diffuse the tension between Florida Attorney Gen. Pam Bondi and released celebrity felon, O.J. Simpson. Bondi, who rarely misses a chance for shameless grandstanding, wrote a legally frivolous letter to Simpson’s Nevada parole board last week, suggesting that the soon-to-be-sprung Simpson would not be welcomed...
Cerabino: After Hurricane Irma, nobody asking for less government
 The deaths of eight elderly residents inside a powerless South Florida nursing home are bound to become one of the stories of Hurricane Irma that will linger. Dangerously high temperatures at the Rehabilitation Center at Hollywood Hills from the loss of air conditioning in the nursing home is believed to have led to the deaths as...

4:00 PM Friday, Sep. 15, 2017

The deaths of eight elderly residents inside a powerless South Florida nursing home are bound to become one of the stories of Hurricane Irma that will linger. Dangerously high temperatures at the Rehabilitation Center at Hollywood Hills from the loss of air conditioning in the nursing home is believed to have led to the deaths as...
After Irma, look for sign at Lake Worth dive bar for normalcy’s return
 Here’s a sign that things are getting back to normal. “I’m getting a truck today to put up our sign again,” Lou Destout told me Thursday morning. Destout runs Harry’s Banana Farm, Lake Worth’s oldest bar. Destout is the unofficial bard of North Dixie Highway, and for decades the sign outside Harry&rsquo...

9:27 PM Thursday, Sep. 14, 2017

Here’s a sign that things are getting back to normal. “I’m getting a truck today to put up our sign again,” Lou Destout told me Thursday morning. Destout runs Harry’s Banana Farm, Lake Worth’s oldest bar. Destout is the unofficial bard of North Dixie Highway, and for decades the sign outside Harry&rsquo...
Etiquette questions for South Florida in Hurricane Irma’s wake
 Ask Mr. Hurricane Manners, South Florida’s foremost storm etiquette advice columnist: Q — I’ve experienced an ethical dilemma in the lines for gasoline before and after Hurricane Irma. Some stations leave only one entrance open, making all traffic to the pumps come from a single direction. This makes so much sense....

11:05 AM Wednesday, Sep. 13, 2017

Ask Mr. Hurricane Manners, South Florida’s foremost storm etiquette advice columnist: Q — I’ve experienced an ethical dilemma in the lines for gasoline before and after Hurricane Irma. Some stations leave only one entrance open, making all traffic to the pumps come from a single direction. This makes so much sense....
Cerabino: Scenes of sadness, sharing in a Boca Raton shelter
 *** It’s nearly dark in the cafeteria. Only a faint ring of lights on the ceiling illuminate the floor, which is packed with humanity. Young families with toddlers, homeless men with freshly-provided clothing, retirees sprawled on makeshift bedding on the floor. We’re all here, roughing it as best we can in this refuge of last...

8:38 PM Sunday, Sep. 10, 2017

*** It’s nearly dark in the cafeteria. Only a faint ring of lights on the ceiling illuminate the floor, which is packed with humanity. Young families with toddlers, homeless men with freshly-provided clothing, retirees sprawled on makeshift bedding on the floor. We’re all here, roughing it as best we can in this refuge of last...
Cerabino: Hurricane Irma’s worst-case-scenario to bring out best in us
 We have come to a defining moment. Wishes, hopes and denial are behind us now, as the slow approach of Hurricane Irma, a storm big enough to swallow the whole state of Florida, appears to be ready to do just that. These storms usually turn away in the Atlantic, as Hurricane Matthew did last year. Or even when they hit us, they can&rsquo...

2:51 PM Friday, Sep. 08, 2017

We have come to a defining moment. Wishes, hopes and denial are behind us now, as the slow approach of Hurricane Irma, a storm big enough to swallow the whole state of Florida, appears to be ready to do just that. These storms usually turn away in the Atlantic, as Hurricane Matthew did last year. Or even when they hit us, they can&rsquo...
Hurricane Irma meets Hurricane Limbaugh in battle of the mighty winds
 Rush Limbaugh needs to be given special permission to ride out Hurricane Irma from his home in Palm Beach. While every other resident on the barrier island will be told to relocate inland, the radio talk-show host ought to be given permission to demonstrate his theory that Irma is part of an elaborate “deep state” plot to further...

5:51 PM Thursday, Sep. 07, 2017

Rush Limbaugh needs to be given special permission to ride out Hurricane Irma from his home in Palm Beach. While every other resident on the barrier island will be told to relocate inland, the radio talk-show host ought to be given permission to demonstrate his theory that Irma is part of an elaborate “deep state” plot to further...
Hurricane Irma: Six tips for Trump to be more presidential in Florida
 Dear President Trump: With Hurricane Irma nearing the Florida coast, you may be a getting a mulligan to display your presidential demeanor and leadership in the wake of a hurricane. And so this would be a good time to review your response to Hurricane Harvey in Texas and fine-tune your actions should you have to come to Florida after...

12:05 AM Wednesday, Sep. 06, 2017

Dear President Trump: With Hurricane Irma nearing the Florida coast, you may be a getting a mulligan to display your presidential demeanor and leadership in the wake of a hurricane. And so this would be a good time to review your response to Hurricane Harvey in Texas and fine-tune your actions should you have to come to Florida after...
Wrong numbers focus of Florida Highway Patrol’s ticket-quota scandal
 I’m having a hard time getting worked up about the ticket-quota scandal unfolding in the Florida Highway Patrol. It started this summer with an email written by FHP Maj. Mark Welch. He explained that he expected his troopers patrolling an eight-county section of North Florida, including Interstate 10, to ticket motorists at...

12:05 AM Saturday, Sep. 02, 2017

I’m having a hard time getting worked up about the ticket-quota scandal unfolding in the Florida Highway Patrol. It started this summer with an email written by FHP Maj. Mark Welch. He explained that he expected his troopers patrolling an eight-county section of North Florida, including Interstate 10, to ticket motorists at...
Opera singer turned Palm Beaches real estate leader hits right notes
 Singing opera is a lot like selling real estate. If you don’t believe me, ask John Slivon, the new head of the Realtors of the Palm Beaches and Greater Fort Lauderdale. (I guess there’s another group of Realtors who represents the lesser parts of Fort Lauderdale.) Anyway, Slivon, 49, started selling real estate to make ends...

11:05 AM Friday, Sep. 01, 2017

Singing opera is a lot like selling real estate. If you don’t believe me, ask John Slivon, the new head of the Realtors of the Palm Beaches and Greater Fort Lauderdale. (I guess there’s another group of Realtors who represents the lesser parts of Fort Lauderdale.) Anyway, Slivon, 49, started selling real estate to make ends...
Cerabino: Under Trump, local cops stock up on the weapons of war
 I’m not sure how much military weaponry our local law enforcement agencies need anymore. One of the byproducts of constant war is that it creates excess weaponry that is no longer employed against our foreign enemies. The solution for the last two decades has been to give these implements of war to local agencies to use against American...

11:05 AM Wednesday, Aug. 30, 2017

I’m not sure how much military weaponry our local law enforcement agencies need anymore. One of the byproducts of constant war is that it creates excess weaponry that is no longer employed against our foreign enemies. The solution for the last two decades has been to give these implements of war to local agencies to use against American...
Cerabino: A single solution for Florida’s citrus and golf woes
 When people think of Florida, the image of a golf course or a citrus grove often comes to mind. After all, the generic state license plate features two oranges. Or if you prefer, you can opt for a specialty plate that shows a silhouetted golfer with the words “Florida: Golf Capital of the World.” But the truth is that while citrus...

10:08 PM Monday, Aug. 28, 2017

When people think of Florida, the image of a golf course or a citrus grove often comes to mind. After all, the generic state license plate features two oranges. Or if you prefer, you can opt for a specialty plate that shows a silhouetted golfer with the words “Florida: Golf Capital of the World.” But the truth is that while citrus...
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