Cerabino: If you think 2017 was bad, check out these 2018 predictions


Predictions for the new year:

January

8 — Brightline train service opens for business between West Palm Beach and Fort Lauderdale stations. Gets rave reviews from both paying customers.

12 — South Florida Fair opens. The weather report for central Palm Beach County calls for mild temperatures with a chance of funnel-cake clouds.

February

12 — Software glitch in animatronic Donald Trump in Disney’s Hall of Presidents causes him to turn toward seated Abraham Lincoln and blast “Lyin’ Abe” for being “soft on slaves.”

26 — Certifying more than 700,000 signatures petitioning for a recreational marijuana ballot amendment in Florida dealt setback by number of people, who instead of writing their name, wrote, “Just some dude. Why? Are you a narc? That’s so not cool, brah.”

March

4 — The Florida Project wins Oscar in category, Best Movie Nobody Saw.

19 — Male politician (fill in the blank) makes a tepid, half-hearted apology for groping dozens of women, explaining that while he disagrees that there was anything improper about his habit of fondling and grabbing women in spontaneous, uninvited ways, he could see how those women — some of whom he doesn’t even remember — might misconstrue being cornered by him in a broom closet, against a locked office door, or in a disabled elevator, as somehow improper.

April

3 — While on pre-trial release in his Palm Beach Gardens home, accused money-launderer and former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort pays $2.5 million to White Collar Crimea Landscaping to mow his lawn.

29 — Last of Florida snowbirds go back north. Costco sounds the “all clear” siren.

May

3 — Sunfest begins. High tides that bring flooding on Flagler Drive lead to new “Club Gondola” VIP ticket for waterfront music festival.

17 — Animatronic Donald Trump at Disney’s Hall of Presidents goes off script again; this time saying, “I know more about federal monetary policy than President Alexander Hamilton.”

June

1 — Power restored to 90 percent of Puerto Rico. Hurricane season begins.

10 — Unwilling to deal with agricultural causes of pollution to Lake Okeechobee, Florida Legislature designates the algae bloom as state flower.

July

17 — Mass deportation of Haitians who were here under Temporary Protected Status devastates South Florida’s garage sale industry.

28 — Palm Beach County issues zoning variance to turn John F. Kennedy Bunker on Peanut Island into a Walgreens.

August

7 — Boynton Beach designated a “sanctuary city” for men’s Sansabelt slacks.

15 — Paul Manafort spends $8 million getting his Palm Beach Gardens house redecorated by Visions of Vlad Interior Design.

September

10 — Miami Dolphins fans take a knee after the playing of the National Anthem.

20 — Animatronic Donald Trump goes missing temporarily from Hall of Presidents. Found grabbing wenches in Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

October

1 — Hurricane Kirk nears South Florida. Number of “beam me up, Scotty” Star Trek references reach crisis levels among local TV newscasters.

15 — While trying to win seat in U.S. Senate, Florida Gov. Rick Scott agrees to TV debate on the condition that he will be allowed to answer any question with the same three non-responsive memorized answers, and that those answers will be subtitled so viewers will understand what he is mumbling.

November

13 — Bill to allow Florida college students to carry loaded weapons to classes causes revision in grading scale at state universities. Scoring 70 percent is new cut-off for “A” grade.

23 — Black Friday officially renamed All Colors Matter Friday.

December

1 — Annual “War on Christmas” begins. Fox News Christians search for Jews and Muslims to wish a “Merry Christmas.”

15 — In another software glitch, animatronic Donald Trump devotes his speech in Hall of Presidents to complain about the park visitors coming from Epcot Center.



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