Your hard working Florida legislators are very concerned about your marriage.
So much so, that they are considering the formation of a Marriage Education Committee, which will be entrusted with coming up with a Florida Marriage Handbook.
It’s all part of House Bill 1163, which aims to deflate Florida’s higher-than-average 60 percent divorce rate with the creation of a handbook that will help Florida couples enhance their “problem-solving and decision-making skills.”
Normally, I would scoff at such an effort. But I have to admit that Florida does pose some distinct issues for couples to consider.
So with that in mind, the Marriage Education Committee ought to include the following quiz as the starting point for the Florida Marriage Handbook. Couples who think they might want to get married in Florida would simply take this quiz, then score their answers to see if they ought to go forward with their wedding plans here:
1. You discover that your beloved has spent most your vacation fund by playing slot-machine games at the local Internet café. You should …
a) Tell her that you love her, and fully support her compassion in supporting a fake veterans’ charity.
b) Call up your state representative to demand that the Internet café be shut down.
c) Before wasting time on a phone call, check to see how much money your state representative has taken in campaign contributions from the Internet café operators.
2. You come home unexpectedly to find a Terminix truck parked in front of your home. As you quietly enter the house, you see an opened bottle of wine in the living room and hear the flirtatious laughter of your beloved and the voice of the bug man from behind the bedroom door. You …
a) Announce in a jovial tone, “How’s the spraying going in there?”
b) Open the bedroom door and say, “Gotcha!”
c) Open the bedroom door and say: “First thing’s first. What are you doing about that chinch bug problem in the front lawn?”
3. A Category 4 hurricane is about hit the South Florida coast. You announce to your beloved that it’s time to evacuate the home and ride out the storm in a fortified shelter farther inland. She refuses to leave the house, because she doesn’t want to abandon her yappy little Chihuahua, Chico, during the storm. You …
a) Go alone to the shelter, saying, “Adios.”
b) Stay home, saying there’s nothing you’d like more than dying in her arms as the sounds of howling wind and yipping Chihuahua are all you can hear when the roof collapses.
c) Stick Chico down the front of your pants, saying, “C’mon, we’ll tell them at the shelter that I have a tumor.”
4. While taking a getaway weekend to the Florida Keys, your beloved has started to shave her bikini line as she drives the car. She asks you to reach from the passenger seat to steer for her while she does this. You …
a) Don’t take the wheel, and in an angry voice say, “So that’s what happened to my razor!”
b) Take the wheel, and tell her to hurry up before the truck driver in the next lane has a coronary.
c) Take the wheel and remind her that it might be quicker if she stopped texting with her other hand.
5. Your beloved tells you that it bothers her that you always take along your concealed handgun when visiting her parents. You …
a) Tell her that it’s only because you want to protect them from roving bands of hoodie-wearing armed gangs that may show up in their gated waterfront community.
b) Tell her that you might need to stand your ground against her parents if they badger you to get a job.
c) Tell her that she’s starting to sound as whiny as your mental health counselor.
Scoring: The correct answer for all questions is Choice (c). Tally up your correct answers and consult the following chart to see whether you would make a good candidate for a Florida marriage:
0-1 correct: Consider sterilization or Mississippi.
2-3 correct: Not unless you’re willing to star on an episode of “Cops.”
4-5 correct: Your foreclosed dream house awaits.