In the realm of bad excuses, there probably isn’t a worse one than, “My pants accidentally fell down.”
OK, well, maybe, “I’m leaving my job to spend more time with my family” is in the running for explanations that come up short.
But things almost never turn out good for people who find themselves telling a police officer that the display of their private parts in public was due to a below-the-Equator wardrobe malfunction that occurred at the worst possible moment.
Which is basically what happened to John Solomayer, 60, of Port St. Lucie this month. Solomayer was standing in the street in front of his home having an argument with his neighbor.
The neighbor told police that at some point during their chat, Solomayer punctuated his argument by removing a private body part from his pants and giving the neighbor some detailed instructions. The neighbor called 911.
When police arrived, Solomayer confirmed the exposure but gave an different explanation.
“Solomayer then said his pants may have fell down because they are a little big on him,” the officer wrote in his report.
Solomayer didn’t get the benefit of the doubt. He got a trip to jail.
Same thing with Romount Knowell, 37, of Delray Beach, who exposed himself two months on a beach there in front of two women and two teenage girls.
Knowell told the police that while he was walking by the women, his pants accidentally fell down. He also got sent to jail.
It probably didn’t help Knowell that he has a history of being a sexual predator, a past that might make the mysterious-but-benign dropping of pants much less believable.
Two summers ago, a 47-year-old woman was spotted urinating on the side of the Jensen Beach Causeway. When the deputy responded to the call, she also offered another scenario.
“I asked her about the exposure,” the deputy wrote in his report. “She said she had lost weight and her pants fell down.”
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to say that pants don’t accidentally fall down. They sometimes do to saggy-pants wearing criminals trying to run away from the scene of the crime.
A purse snatcher in Bremerton, Wash., got caught this way two years ago. And so did a suspected drug dealer in Jackson, Miss., who not only dropped his pants during a foot chase with police, but by doing so, also revealed the secret location for the rest of his stash.
And in Minnesota, when an officer asked a suspected drug dealer to put his hands in the air, the motion caused the man’s pants to fall down, revealing the handgun he was carrying.
There have also been some celebrity pants droppings too.
Cooking show host Paula Deen exposed her rear end in Florida four years ago at the South Beach Wine and Food Fest. During a stage appearance, Deen was complaining about having to wear a heavy battery pack on the elastic waistband of her pants.
“My britches are falling down,” she told the crowd, turning around and picking up her shirt to reveal the back of her pants. “Look at ‘em.”
Then and as she walked a few steps, her pants fell to her knees.
You can watch the YouTube video clip and decide for yourself. But that didn’t seem like an accidental dropping either.
As far as I can tell, the only unimpeachable case of accidental trouser trouble to a celebrity happened three years ago to Colin Hall, the Lord Mayor of Leicester. The newly elected Englishman was speaking to a large group of children at a library gathering when he stood up and lost his pants.
He later posted on Twitter: ‘I was wondering how to publicise the progress of my diet. I hear, though, this issue may be resolved very soon.”