Frank Cerabino columns

Cerabino: Women put the squeeze on boob leading Florida’s Democratic Party

Cerabino: Women put the squeeze on boob leading Florida’s Democratic Party

Turn yourselves in, guys. No use waiting. There’s no hiding out from this one. They’re going to find you. Men-Are-Pigs-Gate is in full bloom, and the way things are going, there will be many more carcasses of once-powerful men littering the gutters of politics, commerce and the arts before it’s settled. Get out in front of it, fellas. Surrender before you get caught. It&rsquo...
No statue a limitation as Trump protest season comes to Palm Beach

No statue a limitation as Trump protest season comes to Palm Beach

Our street protest infrastructure needs revamping here in Palm Beach County. As you know, the Official 2017-18 President Donald Trump Protest Season kicked off last weekend in West Palm Beach for what promises to be six busy months of weekend street demonstrations and counterdemonstrations. And one thing is clear. We’ve got some venue issues. The go-to spot for last year, Bingham Island...
Cerabino: Judge Roy Moore’s sexcapades has silver lining for Florida

Cerabino: Judge Roy Moore’s sexcapades has silver lining for Florida

The unmasking of pious, bigot Roy Moore as a U.S. Senate candidate with a history of making sexual advances on high school girls, could end up having a beneficial effect for some girls in Florida. Florida is one of 25 states that offers adult men a chance to avoid statutory rape by marrying the underage girls they impregnate. The minimum age for getting a marriage license in Florida is 18 years...
Cerabino: Welcome to Florida, home of the ‘emotional support squirrel’

Cerabino: Welcome to Florida, home of the ‘emotional support squirrel’

We may be breaking new ground here in Florida when it comes to emotional support animals. Squirrels! Yes, a renter is fighting an eviction from a Clearwater condo over his pet squirrel, Brutus. Ryan Boylan has claimed that under the Fair Housing Act he should be allowed to live with his squirrel because it’s not just any squirrel, it’s a therapeutically necessary squirrel that brings...
Absent health care fix, tax relief no relief for Wellington family

Absent health care fix, tax relief no relief for Wellington family

President Donald Trump has been talking about rescuing the middle class. “We will cut taxes for middle-class families. This is a major, major tax cut — the biggest since Ronald Reagan,” he said in a speech two months ago. “The pipe fitters and plumbers, and nurses, and police officers — all the people like you who pour their hearts into every penny earned in both...
Cerabino: Gov. Scott’s plan to pray away gun violence needs a hotline

Cerabino: Gov. Scott’s plan to pray away gun violence needs a hotline

The phone rings. A recorded voice answers the call. You have reached Florida Gov. Rick Scott’s Rapid Response Center for Gun Violence. If you are calling to hear Gov. Scott’s plan to find remedies for mass shootings in America, such as the domestic abuser in Texas who shot and killed 26 people during a church service on Sunday, please listen carefully to the following options. Press one...
Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago welcomes new crop of Ameri … uh … foreign workers

Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago welcomes new crop of Ameri … uh … foreign workers

Dear New Employees: Welcome to Mar-a-Lago! Bienvenido. Bine ati venit. Dobro pozhalovat. Herzlich willkommen. Dobrodosli. I know you will do your part to make the Mar-a-Lago workforce great again. And none of you will get sick, complain about overtime, need to get off early to pick up a spouse or do any of the other selfish things that make domestic workers such entitlement queens....
Cerabino: Marco Rubio’s spine to be tested in new tax bill

Cerabino: Marco Rubio’s spine to be tested in new tax bill

Uh, oh. Marco Rubio’s talking about his parents again. Florida’s junior U.S. Senator usually invokes his father the bartender, and his mother the maid, when he’s running for office and delivering a stem-winder on the American Dream. Rubio’s parents came to the United States in pre-Castro Cuba with little skills, but through hard work, they earned a living, and raised children...
Cerabino: Thanks a hundred. ‘Notes from hell’ takes the cake.

Cerabino: Thanks a hundred. ‘Notes from hell’ takes the cake.

Here’s the start of a column I wrote on March 30, 1992: “I’ve decided to occasionally answer my mail. Here goes. Notes from hell, Volume 1.” Calling my reader mail “notes from hell” was an easy call. I had been a columnist for three months, and was already getting some gems. So it began. “Frank Cerabino’s column is the putrid pusillanimous...
Cerabino: Stretched-thin FBI hot on the trail in airline-sex case

Cerabino: Stretched-thin FBI hot on the trail in airline-sex case

The FBI has way too many things to investigate. And it’s not just the Russian interference in U.S. elections, a terrorist attack in New York, and that fishy $300 million contract to fix Puerto Rico’s electrical grid. Those are just the most high-profile investigations. The FBI is also conducting ongoing investigations of bribery in NCAA college basketball, voter fraud allegations in various...
Cerabino: It’s time to collar sexual misconduct in the Florida Senate

Cerabino: It’s time to collar sexual misconduct in the Florida Senate

I’ve been pricing dog obedience collars. I don’t have a dog, but I’m thinking they may be useful in handling the Florida Senate, which is convulsing in sexcapades and Harvey Weinstein-triggered retribution. Extreme measures may be called for. After all, two women in the Florida Senate, Sen. Lizbeth Benequisto, R-Fort Myers, and Sen. Lauren Book, D-Plantation — both sexual...
A screening test for Florida politicians sleeping with lobbyists

A screening test for Florida politicians sleeping with lobbyists

Congratulations on expressing interest in becoming the next Democratic leader of the Florida Senate. As you probably know, the position became suddenly available when Sen. Jeff Clemens announced he was leaving office for the purpose of “becoming a better person.” Leaving the Florida Legislature is good start, and we wish Jeff lots of luck. We also, however, do not want to select somebody...
Cerabino: Special delivery required to lure Amazon to South Florida

Cerabino: Special delivery required to lure Amazon to South Florida

I’m concerned we might not be doing enough to lure Amazon to build its new headquarters in South Florida. The online retailing giant announced plans to build a second headquarters, dubbed HQ2, somewhere in North America as it expands beyond its base in Seattle. The company’s second headquarters would be home to 50,000 new employees with annual incomes of more than $100,000. And...
Cerabino: Missing homework fells Florida’s charter-school champ

Cerabino: Missing homework fells Florida’s charter-school champ

The former legislator who controlled school spending in the Florida House is going to jail. It’s too bad it didn’t happen sooner. For the past eight years, Erik Fresen shouldn’t have been allowed anywhere near tax dollars — especially ones for the state’s public schools. He was what you might call an interested party in the constant battle for public dollars that...
Cerabino: SoulCycle spins into Palm Beach — but not for long

Cerabino: SoulCycle spins into Palm Beach — but not for long

What’s worse than pedaling a stationary bicycle for 45 minutes? Answer: Paying $40 to do it. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not averse to spinning, that gym exercise of riding a stationary bike in a group-class setting, led by a motivating leader and loud, pulsing music. I’ve even got my own spinning shoes, the ones that clip into the pedals. It’s a great way to burn calories...
Cerabino: Monster Trump poster too spooky for West Palm Moonfest?

Cerabino: Monster Trump poster too spooky for West Palm Moonfest?

Artist Craig McInnis said he didn’t set out to come up with a controversial image to advertise this year’s Moonfest, the annual Halloween block party in downtown West Palm Beach. When he brainstormed with the organizers of the event, which will be Saturday night, the choice to make President Donald Trump a monster raging over the city just seemed, well … natural. “It wasn&rsquo...
White nationalist rally in Gainesville was storm that fizzled

White nationalist rally in Gainesville was storm that fizzled

So “Hurricane Spencer” turned out to be a Category Zero. Richard Spencer, the white nationalist who reveled in the notoriety he created by speaking at the University of Florida last week, craved the dread he had created in the state. Gov. Rick Scott had issued a state of emergency days before his speech. Security costs for this exercise in free speech were predicted to be $600,000. Spencer...
Cerabino: ‘Senator Death’ puts happy face on nursing home fatalities

Cerabino: ‘Senator Death’ puts happy face on nursing home fatalities

I knew that state Sen. Dennis Baxley was a death enthusiast, but until recently, I underestimated his passion. Baxley’s a funeral director by trade who dabbles in lawmaking on the side. The state’s 2005 “stand your ground” gun law is his baby. It’s a big reason for the 31 percent uptick in gun homicides in Florida since it was enacted, according to a study published...
Beam her up; alien-contacted Florida candidate seeks House seat

Beam her up; alien-contacted Florida candidate seeks House seat

We here at the Citizens Against Virtually Everything are uncharacteristically enthusiastic about the candidacy of Bettina Rodriguez Aguilera for a soon-to-be vacant Florida seat in the U.S. House of Representatives. As you might expect, we CAVEs are usually against most things, especially in the political realm, but this next election cycle is promising to put Florida in the sort of national spotlight...
Cerabino: Campaign cash dwarfs reason in utilities regulator choice

Cerabino: Campaign cash dwarfs reason in utilities regulator choice

Oh, no. Not the dwarf-tossing enthusiast. We have a new appointment to Florida’s Public Service Commission, which is designed to represent the taxpayers’ interests when it comes to setting rates and overseeing the state’s largest electric utility companies and other regulated industries. In theory. But we don’t live in theory. We live in Florida. And so as you might imagine...
Cerabino: The ‘Mar-a-Lago Strategy’ to shield Trump from Palm Beachers

Cerabino: The ‘Mar-a-Lago Strategy’ to shield Trump from Palm Beachers

To: All Mar-a-Lago personnel From: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly Subject: Implementing the Mar-a-Lago Strategy * In the interest of national security, the strategy, aka Operation Blabbermouth, will go into effect immediately the next time the President of the United States (POTUS) makes a weekend visit to his private club in Palm Beach. Using top-secret National Security Agency eavesdropping...
Cerabino: “Lucky Lou” seeks Friday the 13th lottery fortune again

Cerabino: “Lucky Lou” seeks Friday the 13th lottery fortune again

It’s another Friday the 13th, Lou Eisenberg’s lucky day. Eisenberg, 89, who lives in a modest townhouse in suburban West Palm Beach, will do what he always does on days like this: Play his six lucky numbers 3, 14, 22, 24, 25 and 29. It was on a Friday the 13th, nearly 36 years ago, when Eisenberg hit the New York Lottery’s $5 million jackpot with those numbers, becoming what...
Cerabino: For Trump, challenging Tillerson’s IQ is a no-brainer

Cerabino: For Trump, challenging Tillerson’s IQ is a no-brainer

From: POTUS To: Secretary Tillerson Subject: Your IQ test So this is happening, Rex. One of my unlimited executive powers allows me to make up IQ tests. And I’ve consulted with some of the smartest people I know — Dog the Bounty Hunter, Omaroso, and Steve Doocy of Fox & Friends — to come up with a much more accurate test than those loser, “fake intelligence&rdquo...
Cerabino: McDonald’s nugget sauce shortage riles ‘Rick and Morty’ fans

Cerabino: McDonald’s nugget sauce shortage riles ‘Rick and Morty’ fans

*** The correct answer is (e). Silly Lives Matter. It’s a much under-reported movement in this country. Galvanizing people to action over important things, such as comprehensive health-care or immigration policy, is a fool’s errand. And the only sure way to get everybody focused on foreign wars is to start a draft of American teenagers. But if you come up with a clever meme or an oddball...
No need for Florida AG Bondi to put the squeeze on O.J. Simpson

No need for Florida AG Bondi to put the squeeze on O.J. Simpson

It’s time to diffuse the tension between Florida Attorney Gen. Pam Bondi and released celebrity felon, O.J. Simpson. Bondi, who rarely misses a chance for shameless grandstanding, wrote a legally frivolous letter to Simpson’s Nevada parole board last week, suggesting that the soon-to-be-sprung Simpson would not be welcomed back in Florida. “Our state should not become a country...
Cerabino: After Hurricane Irma, nobody asking for less government

Cerabino: After Hurricane Irma, nobody asking for less government

The deaths of eight elderly residents inside a powerless South Florida nursing home are bound to become one of the stories of Hurricane Irma that will linger. Dangerously high temperatures at the Rehabilitation Center at Hollywood Hills from the loss of air conditioning in the nursing home is believed to have led to the deaths as well as the hospitalization of 10 other residents there. It&rsquo...
After Irma, look for sign at Lake Worth dive bar for normalcy’s return

After Irma, look for sign at Lake Worth dive bar for normalcy’s return

Here’s a sign that things are getting back to normal. “I’m getting a truck today to put up our sign again,” Lou Destout told me Thursday morning. Destout runs Harry’s Banana Farm, Lake Worth’s oldest bar. Destout is the unofficial bard of North Dixie Highway, and for decades the sign outside Harry’s has risen on a pole high above the passing traffic as...
Etiquette questions for South Florida in Hurricane Irma’s wake

Etiquette questions for South Florida in Hurricane Irma’s wake

Ask Mr. Hurricane Manners, South Florida’s foremost storm etiquette advice columnist: Q — I’ve experienced an ethical dilemma in the lines for gasoline before and after Hurricane Irma. Some stations leave only one entrance open, making all traffic to the pumps come from a single direction. This makes so much sense. And the ones that are really on the ball — like Costco...
Cerabino: Scenes of sadness, sharing in a Boca Raton shelter

Cerabino: Scenes of sadness, sharing in a Boca Raton shelter

*** It’s nearly dark in the cafeteria. Only a faint ring of lights on the ceiling illuminate the floor, which is packed with humanity. Young families with toddlers, homeless men with freshly-provided clothing, retirees sprawled on makeshift bedding on the floor. We’re all here, roughing it as best we can in this refuge of last resort. For some of the older people, the decision to get down...
Cerabino: Hurricane Irma’s worst-case-scenario to bring out best in us

Cerabino: Hurricane Irma’s worst-case-scenario to bring out best in us

We have come to a defining moment. Wishes, hopes and denial are behind us now, as the slow approach of Hurricane Irma, a storm big enough to swallow the whole state of Florida, appears to be ready to do just that. These storms usually turn away in the Atlantic, as Hurricane Matthew did last year. Or even when they hit us, they can’t muster winds above less-than-catastrophic Category 2 gusts...
Hurricane Irma meets Hurricane Limbaugh in battle of the mighty winds

Hurricane Irma meets Hurricane Limbaugh in battle of the mighty winds

Rush Limbaugh needs to be given special permission to ride out Hurricane Irma from his home in Palm Beach. While every other resident on the barrier island will be told to relocate inland, the radio talk-show host ought to be given permission to demonstrate his theory that Irma is part of an elaborate “deep state” plot to further the canard of climate change. “Unlike UFOs, which...
Hurricane Irma: Six tips for Trump to be more presidential in Florida

Hurricane Irma: Six tips for Trump to be more presidential in Florida

Dear President Trump: With Hurricane Irma nearing the Florida coast, you may be a getting a mulligan to display your presidential demeanor and leadership in the wake of a hurricane. And so this would be a good time to review your response to Hurricane Harvey in Texas and fine-tune your actions should you have to come to Florida after this weekend. Here are six tips to keep in mind: 1. Crowd size...
Wrong numbers focus of Florida Highway Patrol’s ticket-quota scandal

Wrong numbers focus of Florida Highway Patrol’s ticket-quota scandal

I’m having a hard time getting worked up about the ticket-quota scandal unfolding in the Florida Highway Patrol. It started this summer with an email written by FHP Maj. Mark Welch. He explained that he expected his troopers patrolling an eight-county section of North Florida, including Interstate 10, to ticket motorists at a higher rate. “The patrol wants to see two citations...
Opera singer turned Palm Beaches real estate leader hits right notes

Opera singer turned Palm Beaches real estate leader hits right notes

Singing opera is a lot like selling real estate. If you don’t believe me, ask John Slivon, the new head of the Realtors of the Palm Beaches and Greater Fort Lauderdale. (I guess there’s another group of Realtors who represents the lesser parts of Fort Lauderdale.) Anyway, Slivon, 49, started selling real estate to make ends meet between his gigs as an opera singer, and now says that...
Cerabino: Under Trump, local cops stock up on the weapons of war

Cerabino: Under Trump, local cops stock up on the weapons of war

I’m not sure how much military weaponry our local law enforcement agencies need anymore. One of the byproducts of constant war is that it creates excess weaponry that is no longer employed against our foreign enemies. The solution for the last two decades has been to give these implements of war to local agencies to use against American citizens. This program transferred more than $6 billion...
Cerabino: A single solution for Florida’s citrus and golf woes

Cerabino: A single solution for Florida’s citrus and golf woes

When people think of Florida, the image of a golf course or a citrus grove often comes to mind. After all, the generic state license plate features two oranges. Or if you prefer, you can opt for a specialty plate that shows a silhouetted golfer with the words “Florida: Golf Capital of the World.” But the truth is that while citrus and golf are two iconic symbols of Florida, they&rsquo...
Cerabino: “Game of Thrones” fever no dragon Florida tourism

Cerabino: “Game of Thrones” fever no dragon Florida tourism

As a full-service newspaper columnist I sometime offer my services as an unpaid consultant to worthy causes. And of course, there are few things more worthy than grabbing every last person in the Northeast to come here for a winter vacation. Which brings me to the HBO series “Game of Thrones.” If you haven’t seen it, congratulations. You’ve missed dozens of hours of a...
Is Dixie Highway next Confederate casualty of the culture war?

Is Dixie Highway next Confederate casualty of the culture war?

Is it time to rename Dixie Highway? While we’re in this national mood of historical re-evaluation, when remotely located cemetery markers for the Confederate dead are fair game for removal, the time may be ripe for taking another look at Dixie Highway. Road sign reappraisals are already happening in Broward County, where the city of Hollywood decided last month to change the names...
Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago charity cancellations are fake news

Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago charity cancellations are fake news

From: DJT * Please note the following changes to our schedule for next season, which is no reflection of the terrific job we all have been doing— especially me — to make Mar-a-Lago and America great again. The American Cancer Society event for 2018 has been canceled due to inclement weather. The Cleveland Clinic’s annual fundraiser and gala will be held elsewhere due to failings...
Cerabino: Shadowing the people of the eclipse in West Palm Beach

Cerabino: Shadowing the people of the eclipse in West Palm Beach

Solar eclipse diary from downtown West Palm Beach: *** 1:00 p.m. — Patricia Perano with her tripod-mounted Canon camera sits outside the Subculture Coffee shop on Clematis Street. “When the eclipse comes, I’m going to photograph the people and the shadows to see if I can find something artful in this.” 1:09 p.m. — At the check-out desk inside the Mandel Public Library...
Cerabino: School’s out, video games in, for solar eclipse

Cerabino: School’s out, video games in, for solar eclipse

Palm Beach County’s public schools are allowing students to stay home on Monday so they can safely observe the afternoon’s partial solar eclipse for as long as their parents allow. Students who choose to go to school may only view the eclipse during principal-authorized viewing events with glasses approved by the American Astronomical Society in sessions that last no longer than three...
Cerabino: University of Florida fails history with neo-Nazi ban

Cerabino: University of Florida fails history with neo-Nazi ban

If you care at all about government intrusion on free speech, you shouldn’t be applauding the University of Florida’s decision to ban white nationalist leader Richard Spencer from speaking on campus next month. As American scholar Noam Chomsky once put it: “If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all.” University...
Cerabino: North Korean nukes an opportunity for Florida tourism launch

Cerabino: North Korean nukes an opportunity for Florida tourism launch

Florida, which is no stranger to making all sorts of desperate appeals for tourists, might want to consider “nuclear tourism.” I mention this because if you’ve been paying attention to North Korea’s nuclear aspirations, you will see that the projected limits of that country’s Hwasong-14 intercontinental ballistic missiles appear as a curved line that encompasses much...
Cerabino: The KKK in Palm Beach taught us to let the haters speak

Cerabino: The KKK in Palm Beach taught us to let the haters speak

White supremacists are their own worst enemies. The more they speak, the more they reveal themselves to be anything but “supreme.” So muzzling them, or trying to muzzle them, elevates their low-brow racism, sexism and anti-Semitism to the level of importance it doesn’t deserve. Denounce them. Absolutely. Call them out for being the creeps they are. Every time. But if you...
Cerabino: Readers who don’t read weigh in on President Trump

Cerabino: Readers who don’t read weigh in on President Trump

Notes from Hell, Volume 99: * Dear Debra: First of all, thanks for reading my column titled “A nude beach in Palm Beach County is barely plausible,” even if the reading was simply due to a temporary memory lapse on your part. Have you tried ginkgo biloba? Apparently, your reading misadventure of my column was turning out just fine as you cruised by the part about the head nudist being...
Cerabino: Zika virus brings new form to Florida dating

Cerabino: Zika virus brings new form to Florida dating

*** So as a public service, I’ve created the following application form for Florida women to give their prospective partners to ensure that the spread of the Zika virus does not become an epidemic in our state. Let’s be safe out there. *** Dear ________ : Congratulations! You have been selected as a candidate for further romantic adventures. Despite what you may have heard, this is a significant...
Cerabino: Things could be looking up for relocating Wellington’s horse droppings

Cerabino: Things could be looking up for relocating Wellington’s horse droppings

For years now, Palm Beach County has been struggling to deal with its abundance of horse droppings. We are over-blessed in these deposits due to the Wellington equestrian community. And efforts to stash it somewhere, anywhere, have so far come up short. About 10 years ago we had a bright idea to put it in trucks and ship 32 tons of horse apples every day into Martin County to be spread on their...
When lovebirds stop tweeting; Aronberg’s ‘Trump Divorce’ is fake news

When lovebirds stop tweeting; Aronberg’s ‘Trump Divorce’ is fake news

We here in Palm Beach County are coming to grips with the so-called “Trump Divorce” between our top criminal prosecutor and one of our top karate-black-belt former Miami Dolphins cheerleaders. I’m willing to blame President Donald Trump for an awful lot of things, but I’m not quite ready to put the two-year marriage of Dave and Lynn Aronberg on that American carnage...
Cerabino: New train of thought; Brightline enriches, endangers Trump

Cerabino: New train of thought; Brightline enriches, endangers Trump

Lawyers representing foes of the Brightline Miami-to-Orlando passenger train played their Trump card this past week. They argued that a loan from the Federal Railroad Administration to pay for the new train service would create untoward financial rewards for President Donald Trump while also creating unique security concerns for the president when he is staying at his Mar-a-Lago club in Palm...
Cerabino: Pulp Non-fiction; Antonacci is Gov. Rick Scott’s “Wolfe.”

Cerabino: Pulp Non-fiction; Antonacci is Gov. Rick Scott’s “Wolfe.”

Florida’s got its own Winston Wolfe. You remember “The Wolfe.” He was the character played by Harvey Keitel in the Quentin Tarantino movie, Pulp Fiction. “I solve problems,” was how The Wolfe described his many-faceted job working for a powerful, but unseen boss. Florida’s Winston Wolfe is Pete Antonacci, who fixes things for Gov. Rick Scott. Five years...
Cerabino: Paying the price for school spirit at Lake Worth High

Cerabino: Paying the price for school spirit at Lake Worth High

You’ve got to hand it to former Lake Worth High School principal George Lockhart. He’s certainly a guy who isn’t afraid of thinking outside the box. Like getting the high school teachers who worked for him to do his middle-school son’s online algebra homework. That’s so far out of the box that it nearly got Lockhart fired. But when it comes to Lockhart’s variety...
Cerabino: Voter fraud in Palm Beach County? No private eye needed.

Cerabino: Voter fraud in Palm Beach County? No private eye needed.

The phone rings, jarring me from my afternoon nap. ”Philip Marlowe here,” I say, while reaching for the pack of gaspers under the Palm Beach Kennel Club racing form. “Mr. Marlowe,” the whiny voice on the line says. “I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time.” “Any time you call, Cerabino, is a bad time,” I say. “What’s the matter? You...
Cerabino: Trump touts ‘America first,’ until he needs cheap labor at Mar-a-Lago

Cerabino: Trump touts ‘America first,’ until he needs cheap labor at Mar-a-Lago

In case you haven’t noticed, our governor, Rick Scott, is obsessed with jobs. He loves talking about his devotion to putting people to work in Florida. “I travel the state every day and I can say the most important thing we can do is give people a job,” Scott said earlier this year in South Florida while on one of his “job tours” of the state. When Scott isn&rsquo...
A bird? A plane? No, just Italian sausage terror in South Florida

A bird? A plane? No, just Italian sausage terror in South Florida

* From: U.S. Department of Homeland Security To: All Agencies Subject: South Florida threat assessment * Be advised, we are currently gathering information on what may be a sleeper cell operating in South Florida. We have reason to believe that a little-known terrorist group named Al-ShaBobby Baccala may be going operational. The group deploys IEDs — Italian Edible Deliveries — which...
In Riviera Beach, where the handling of illegal immigrants is harshest

In Riviera Beach, where the handling of illegal immigrants is harshest

It’s strange that Riviera Beach has become a focal point of discord over the handling of undocumented residents. Of all the jurisdictions in Palm Beach County, you wouldn’t expect that the one led by the area’s most well-known civil rights advocate is where the most pressing civil rights issue of our time is being handled in the harshest way. But it’s true. Unlike...
Ann Coulter attacks Delta on Twitter after ‘pure hell’ trip to PBIA

Ann Coulter attacks Delta on Twitter after ‘pure hell’ trip to PBIA

It’s no secret that the three words that strike the most fear in airline flight attendants are “West Palm Beach.” Palm Beach International Airport is basically the Anbar Province of domestic air travel — the enemy is everywhere and they’re wearing civilian clothing. In West Palm Beach, flights are full, passengers are cranky, and many who require wheelchairs for...
Sign at Loxahatchee Wendy’s may mean ‘Skip the bacon queso fries!’

Sign at Loxahatchee Wendy’s may mean ‘Skip the bacon queso fries!’

I’ve been in full Da Vinci Code mode since learning about that sign in the lobby at a Wendy’s restaurant in Loxahatchee. The sign read, “All of Wendy’s sins off one word — FRESH.” What exactly are Wendy’s sins? I mean we know McDonald’s has the McRib, Burger King has a chocolate shake with 83 grams of sugar in it, and Taco Bell … well, &hellip...
Cerabino: 5 rules of etiquette on Palm Beach for Palm Beaches Marathon

Cerabino: 5 rules of etiquette on Palm Beach for Palm Beaches Marathon

To: All runners From: Palm Beaches Marathon race committee Subject: Running through the Town of Palm Beach Please be advised, you will be running part of the marathon and half-marathon on Dec. 3 through the Town of Palm Beach. Some of you may not fully grasp the historical significance of this. To you, it might look like just another couple of bridges to cross, and a small, seemingly insignificant...
Gun-toting pastor in Corvette latest exemplar of Florida road rage

Gun-toting pastor in Corvette latest exemplar of Florida road rage

Somebody needs to say some kind words about the visiting Episcopal priest who booked a room briefly at the Martin County Jail. The Very Reverend William Rian Adams was apparently on a road trip from North Carolina in his red Corvette last week when he waved his Glock 22 handgun at two people in a pickup truck on Florida’s Turnpike near Palm City. As it almost says in Proverbs...
Fear ‘Trumps’ decency in deporting Palm Beach restaurant manager

Fear ‘Trumps’ decency in deporting Palm Beach restaurant manager

If anyone other than Donald Trump had been elected president last November, there wouldn’t be a question over whether Francisco Javier Gonzalez would still be the beloved manager of a Palm Beach restaurant next week. On Friday, the Mexican-born husband of an American citizen and father of their three American-citizen daughters, ranging from 5 to 10 years old, would make his annual check...
Cerabino: For Florida, privacy trumps Trump in federal voter purge

Cerabino: For Florida, privacy trumps Trump in federal voter purge

You know your voter fraud fantasies are in trouble when the state of Florida won’t play along. This week, Florida belatedly joined 44 other states in announcing it wouldn’t fully comply with the wishes of the Presidential Advisory Commission on Election Integrity. This is the commission set in motion by the fanciful assertion of President Donald Trump that he actually won the popular vote...
Florida’s evolution to complainer’s paradise for public schools

Florida’s evolution to complainer’s paradise for public schools

News item: A new Florida law allows any resident, regardless of whether he or she has children in the public school system, to instigate a formal challenge to any textbook, library book, novel, or other kind of instructional material used in a public school. The state law channels the resident’s complaint to an “unbiased and qualified hearing officer” who is empowered to determine...
Florida man jailed, justice system discovers all dust isn’t cocaine

Florida man jailed, justice system discovers all dust isn’t cocaine

Tell me if this sounds like justice. Karlos Cashe was stopped for driving his car without his headlights on in Oviedo, a city in Seminole County, at about 9:30 one night in March. The officer ran the 57-year-old man’s name through a police teletype system and it came back that Cashe was a drug offender on probation who had an 8 p.m. curfew. Cashe tried to explain that the police computer...
Crafting new fake Trump magazine covers for the walls of Mar-a-Lago.

Crafting new fake Trump magazine covers for the walls of Mar-a-Lago.

We’re going to need to help our president. From now on, few club members at Mar-a-Lago’s are going to believe any framed front page of Time magazine featuring Trump. He’s going to need expand his repertoire of fake magazine covers praising him. Fortunately, there are so many more magazine covers that can be doctored to support his fragile ego in a way that might spare us from having...
More crank than crunk, I’m your Palm Beach ‘mansion party’ solution

More crank than crunk, I’m your Palm Beach ‘mansion party’ solution

Dear Palm Beach County mansion owner: You have my sympathy. There you are, off in the Hamptons, Tuscany, or wherever it is you disappear during these unfashionable summer months, and you find out that your big, empty, refrigerated South Florida spare house has been transformed from an empty mausoleum of your inessential possessions to something called a “party mansion.” Party mansion?...
Cerabino: The real villain in Boca’s breast-feeding mom saga

Cerabino: The real villain in Boca’s breast-feeding mom saga

Time to alert the public breastfeeding quick-response team. We here at NIPPLE — Negating Ignoramuses Preventing Proper Lactation Entitlements — are dedicated to informing the public that while there are many amazingly annoying behaviors in South Florida restaurants, moms breastfeeding their kids doesn’t even register on the Old Man Eating Coleslaw While Talking Way Too Loud Scale...
Cerabino: Gov. Scott’s citrus canker veto makes state a deadbeat debtor

Cerabino: Gov. Scott’s citrus canker veto makes state a deadbeat debtor

When it comes to deadbeat debtors, it’s hard to beat the state of Florida. If you don’t believe me, ask the hundreds of thousands of Florida homeowners who’ve been waiting for more than a decade to be fairly compensated for the more than half-million healthy backyard orange, grapefruit, lime and lemon trees that were chopped down by the state during its ill-fated Citrus Canker...
Uber drivers: Picking up loose ends of Florida’s new law

Uber drivers: Picking up loose ends of Florida’s new law

Starting next month, Florida will have a uniform set of rules for Uber and other ride-hailing services. The new law establishing statewide regulations for what are formally called “transportation network companies” was passed to supersede the varying and sometimes conflicting regulations enacted by counties and cities. For example, did you know that Uber drivers in Miami can...
Cerabino: To be or not to be for Trumped-up Shakespeare?

Cerabino: To be or not to be for Trumped-up Shakespeare?

If you run a local playhouse, you may want to consider doing some Trumped-up Shakespeare. It’s quite the rage. New York’s Public Theater just wrapped up a run of Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar” in the city’s Central Park with the title character played by an actor with a mop of a hairpiece, an unusually long red tie, and his Calpurnia transformed into a wife with...
Cerabino: No ifs, ands or butts. Sign me up for an intersection

Cerabino: No ifs, ands or butts. Sign me up for an intersection

There’s a new law that directs the Florida Department of Transportation to create honorary designations on roadways, bridges, and other transportation facilities around the state. So far, the state is planning to spend $43,000 to install 37 designation markers to honor those who have already been selected. These people include boxer Muhammad Ali, who is getting a boulevard in Miami-Dade, and...
Amazon buying Whole Foods: 10 funny things about the deal

Amazon buying Whole Foods: 10 funny things about the deal

Now that Amazon is buying Whole Foods , here are 10 things we can come to expect: 1. Prime members will get free shipping of quinoa. 2. Amazon TV sitcoms will now include “sustainable humor” labeling. 3. Locally sourced UPS drivers 4. No more plastic bags inside those Amazon boxes 5. Broken stuff in Amazon boxes due to lack of inflated plastic bag cushions READ...
Like every big story, election meddling by Russia has Florida angle

Like every big story, election meddling by Russia has Florida angle

The developments in the evolving story of Russia’s meddling in our presidential election are happening at such a frenetic pace that it’s easy to barely soak in one revelation before it’s overcome by another one. So let’s just slow this down for a moment and take a look at something that should concern every Florida voter, no matter whom you supported in the last election. Mixed...
Time to Trump up a not-so-great wall on our Southern Boulevard border

Time to Trump up a not-so-great wall on our Southern Boulevard border

We citizens of Palm Beach County can give President Donald Trump the “win” he desperately needs. We can give him a wall on the Southern border. OK, it’s actually on the Southern Boulevard border. But that’s close enough for Trump, who has amply demonstrated a willingness to fuzz up the details when it suits him. And so it won’t take much to get him to consider...
Trump imitation in Florida public school sinks student-body president

Trump imitation in Florida public school sinks student-body president

We’re slipping toward a post-satirical world. A Florida high schooler got a first-hand lesson of this recently. Vero Beach High School student J.P. Krause was asked to give an impromptu speech in his Advanced Placement U.S. History class. Krause was running for student body president, and he delivered an off-the-cuff political speech attacking a girl who was running against him for office...
Palm Beach County puts a wrinkle in plan for nude beach

Palm Beach County puts a wrinkle in plan for nude beach

The Palm Beach County Tourism Development Council may have been a little rash last week for the way it quickly dismissed the idea of a nude beach. And there are few things worse than a little rash when it comes to nude beaches. I would think that tourism officials would have been more hesitant to toss off an attraction that could tap into a whole new subset of tourists, ones that theoretically...
Cerabino: Florida’s new breed of moms, The Snake Mother

Cerabino: Florida’s new breed of moms, The Snake Mother

China gave the world The Tiger Mother, the parenting model that uses smothering maternal control to enforce oppressive measures on children to stress academic achievement above all else. Florida has just introduced the world to a new parenting style: The Snake Mother. It has been debuted recently near Sebring by Chartelle St. Laurent. The Highlands County Sheriff’s Office forwarded a charge...
Banner flap at Boca High ought to be lesson for Florida lawmakers

Banner flap at Boca High ought to be lesson for Florida lawmakers

Whether or not you admire the spirituality, or lack of spirituality, of local atheist Chaz Stevens, you’ve got to hand it to the guy. He serves a purpose. The Palm Beach County School Board has had a practice of allowing religious groups to advertise their brand of salvation at county public schools. At least that was the practice until Stevens asked Boca Raton High School to display...
Cerabino: Taking the long approach to Trump’s FAA plan

Cerabino: Taking the long approach to Trump’s FAA plan

* Dear FAA Losers: It’s me again, President Donald J. Trump. As my friends in the Sicilian-American community say — and I love the Sicilians, great people, especially the ones who make deep-dish pizzas — revenge is a dish that must be eaten cold, or maybe it’s “coal.” Not sure about that last word. Works both ways. The point is I haven’t forgotten who my enemies...
Cerabino: Ticket fixing? Chicago’s got nothing on us.

Cerabino: Ticket fixing? Chicago’s got nothing on us.

In my younger days as a reporter in Chicago, I interviewed alderman Vito Marzullo, who was about 85 years old at the time and in the midst of his umpteenth re-election campaign. Marzullo had been representing his West Side district in the Chicago City Council since the Eisenhower Administration, serving as the embodiment of that city’s corrupt, and secure, machine political system. So Marzullo...
Hurricane season’s here. IMHDO, it’s time to stock up on storm acronyms

Hurricane season’s here. IMHDO, it’s time to stock up on storm acronyms

It’s hurricane season again, and the National Hurricane Center is doing its best to reach everybody in case of an approaching storm. With that in mind, the government agency will be employing five Twitter accounts to establish what the hurricane center describes as “interactive outreach” with the public to include not only information about approaching storms, but also “fun...
Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago could be om, sweet om, for Trump’s meditating

Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago could be om, sweet om, for Trump’s meditating

The Town of Palm Beach is getting a Transcendental Meditation center. And not a moment too soon. Transcendental Meditation — often known as TM — is a relaxation technique designed to allow people to find a state of inner peace. It’s usually practiced by those who sit still with their eyes closed while thinking about a short string of sounds, called mantras. These sessions last 20...
Cerabino: Time to turn JFK bunker into Trump ‘timout’ bunker?

Cerabino: Time to turn JFK bunker into Trump ‘timout’ bunker?

Now that Palm Beach County is poised to take over the historic John F. Kennedy bunker on Peanut Island, it’s time to start converting it to the Donald J. Trump bunker. If the roller-coaster ride of President Trump’s first four months in office has proven anything, it’s that he and the country may be well served by giving him access to a remote bunker from time to time. Think...
Awakened by an ‘ambassador’; Delray’s diplomatic touch for homeless

Awakened by an ‘ambassador’; Delray’s diplomatic touch for homeless

Don’t think of it as the Delray Beach Bum Patrol. That sounds a little too mean. A more noble name is required to describe the effort of the city’s Downtown Development Authority in hiring security guards to scour the area every morning to get the sleeping homeless people to make themselves invisible. Skedaddling the homeless requires a program name that suggests more compassion....
It’s confusing when Hustler store takes over Christian bookstore

It’s confusing when Hustler store takes over Christian bookstore

As a full-service local newspaper columnist I consider it my calling to do what I can to make this a more enlightened community. But I’m not sure I can fix this one. The idea that on a daily basis, would-be seekers of divine inspiration would be perusing the aisles of battery-operated gadgets, furry handcuffs, and “latex rear view mini skirts” in search of a new King James version...
Cerabino: A nude beach in Palm Beach County is barely plausible

Cerabino: A nude beach in Palm Beach County is barely plausible

To: Palm Beach County Commissioners From: CAVE (Citizens Against Virtually Everything) Society * As you know, we here at the CAVE Society have been serving this community for decades now, providing a sensible dose of opposition for nearly every new — and bad — idea that comes your way. From new baseball stadiums, to new Walmarts, to new swampland communities with drive-thru Starbucks,...
Boynton Beach woman reminds us of songs that bloom and grow forever

Boynton Beach woman reminds us of songs that bloom and grow forever

There’s probably a song that works like medicine for you. That’s what I’ve come to believe after talking to Andy Christie, a New York graphic artist whose mom used to live in Sterling Village, a sprawling condominium complex in Boynton Beach. I first heard Christie talking about his mom on The Moth podcast, an online site that features people telling true stories about their lives...
Pathfinders showcase the hidden wealth of our high-achieving teenagers

Pathfinders showcase the hidden wealth of our high-achieving teenagers

If you’re looking for a simple way to become instantly inspired, humbled, and reassured about the future, here’s what you need to do. Read the nomination packets for the local teenagers applying for the annual Pathfinder Scholarship Awards presented by The Palm Beach Post. For the past 34 years, this program has presented millions of dollars in scholarships to graduating high school seniors...
Cerabino: Trump helps high schoolers justify the artifice of the deal

Cerabino: Trump helps high schoolers justify the artifice of the deal

However things sort out for our beleaguered President Donald Trump, never let it be said that he didn’t help out hundreds of thousands of American high school students — including my son. All across the country, college-bound high schoolers have been taking those high-pressure Advanced Placement tests for courses that can both boost grade-point averages and satisfy a college credit. Last...
Cerabino: Marketing Florida tourism to Syrians draws a red line

Cerabino: Marketing Florida tourism to Syrians draws a red line

It’s a shame we’re not marketing our state to Syrian tourists anymore. Visit Florida, the state’s tourism outfit, signed a contract in March that paid a German company to market Florida as a tourist destination to people in Syria and nine other Middle East countries. But that contract was quickly altered to remove Syria when The Naples Daily News discovered it last week. Too bad...
Cerabino: Dear graduates, I can’t ( thank you / remember ) enough for this speech

Cerabino: Dear graduates, I can’t ( thank you / remember ) enough for this speech

Dear High School Graduates: I am ( thrilled / perplexed ) that you asked me here to speak to you on this noteworthy day in your lives. It’s a real ( honor / indication ) that your first choice ( was me / didn’t show up.) Because of this, I have ( carefully / hurriedly ) crafted my remarks into a message I hope you will find ( thought-provoking / brief ) and ( ...
Cerabino: Sorting out fake news in porn star shark attacks, guv’s race

Cerabino: Sorting out fake news in porn star shark attacks, guv’s race

You’ve got to be careful about fake news. It’s easy to manipulate photos and post things online that take on a life of their own. So I’m glad The Palm Beach Post’s Kimberly Miller debunked that viral YouTube video that purportedly showed porn star Molly Cavalli being bitten by a shark in waters off Palm Beach County. As Miller reported, it turns out that Cavalli and her video...
When it comes to Florida medical marijuana bill, only time gets wasted

When it comes to Florida medical marijuana bill, only time gets wasted

Florida’s medical marijuana bill turned into a real buzz kill. Voters proved to be way more enthusiastic at the idea of medical marijuana than their representatives, who struggled and ultimately failed, to agree on what turned out to be a complicated bill in the just-ended legislative session. There’s a lot of money in state-sanctioned pot. And who gets to make it, and who doesn&rsquo...

Cerabino: Parking lot sign shared by unlikely business neighbors

Ted Leverette was riding his bicycle on Northlake Boulevard when he spotted the parking lot sign. “When I got home, I told my wife, ‘You’re not going to believe it,’” the North Palm Beach business consultant said. “I drove her in the car to take a look at it.” The roadside sign in question is in the parking lot shared by a cremation business and a pool supply...
Cerabino: Answering the tough questions about having fun at SunFest

Cerabino: Answering the tough questions about having fun at SunFest

SunFest, the five-day outdoor festival of music, art, drinking, eating, and more drinking along West Palm Beach’s waterfront, is about to begin. I am here to answer your questions. Q: I would like to take my emotional support dog with me to listen to Fetty Wap feat Monty on Friday night. The event’s website says that only service dogs that assist people with disability issues will be allowed...
Cerabino: Burmese python hunt in Florida is fit to a T

Cerabino: Burmese python hunt in Florida is fit to a T

So let me get this straight. You find an enormous Burmese python slithering in one of Florida’s wetlands. Bravely, you confront the car-lengthed reptile, and using the guidelines provided by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, you opt to skip the “hand-capture” method, and go right for the “humane euthanasia” instruction, which involves a...
Cerabino: Florida Slavery Memorial, a new idea caught up in an old war

Cerabino: Florida Slavery Memorial, a new idea caught up in an old war

Florida may be pioneering some bold new thinking when it comes to public monuments and memorials. Here’s State Sen. Dennis Baxley, R-Ocala, explaining why he’s against a Florida Slavery Memorial on the grounds of the state Capitol. “I have a discomfort about memorializing slavery,” he said. “I would like to take it in a more positive direction than a memorial to slavery...
Cerabino: There’s sanctuary in ruling for West Palm Beach

Cerabino: There’s sanctuary in ruling for West Palm Beach

It’s interesting to contrast how two South Florida communities reacted to the threat of losing federal dollars over their handling of undocumented residents. When President Donald Trump signed an executive order in January that called for stripping federal funding to any so-called “sanctuary city,” Miami-Dade County Mayor Carlos Gimenez relented the next day. Gimenez signed an order...