Now that Palm Beach County is poised to take over the historic John F. Kennedy bunker on Peanut Island, it’s time to start converting it to the Donald J. Trump bunker.
If the roller-coaster ride of President Trump’s first four months in office has proven anything, it’s that he and the country may be well served by giving him access to a remote bunker from time to time.
Think of it as a place for presidential timeouts.
No Twitter, no Melania and her elusive hands, and no cable TV “breaking news alerts” with their constant drumbeat of noose-tightening Russia revelations.
Sinking again in the latest poll numbers from Gallup? To the bunker.
Called out for boasting away top-secret intelligence again to a foreign adversary? To the bunker.
Made another embarrassing Tweet with multiple exclamation points, misspellings and wildly untrue criminal allegations and juvenile nicknames aimed at your political enemies? To the bunker.
Peanut Island would be the perfect refuge. It’s close, but inaccessible to protesters. It’s big enough for soul-affirming outdoor walks, but too small for ineffective rounds of golf.
There are no roads for the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office to close there. No Trump properties to exploit with self-dealing. And it’s not on the flight path for Palm Beach International Airport.
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And unlike Mar-a-Lago, it doesn’t subject the president to a stream of access from people whose only virtue is their ability to buy themselves into the room.
Once Trump is temporarily relocated to his bunker on Peanut Island, he will have the place to himself, except for the occasional watercraft delivery of KFC buckets.
There’s no telling what good things may happen during these interludes of quiet reflection and perhaps, even reading and learning.
A freshly bunkered President Trump may leave the island after a few days and say things like, “People don’t know this, but we can’t make individual trade deals to punish Germany, because we don’t do individual trade deals with our European Union allies.”
Or, “People don’t realize this, but we’ve been doing extreme vetting with Syrian refugees for years now. Do you know that these refugees don’t even get to pick what country they get relocated to? People don’t know this.”
Or, “Considering that I promised a health care plan that would cover everybody, I certainly can’t support a plan that cuts health care to 23 million people who already have it. That would be ridiculous.”
Of course, getting President Trump to use the former JFK bunker will require Palm Beach County to spend some money to spruce things up there and to make it appealing to him.
For starters, we’re going to need a giant sign that says “Trump” somewhere on the island. One that lights up at night. Think of the biggest sign imaginable. Then double it.
And we’re going to need to update the amenities.
The bathroom facilities in the old bunker are cans with lids. That’s not going to work.
We’re going to need a giant gold-plated bathroom in there with lots of mirrors and a place to throw away the chicken bones.
The Kennedy bunker also has 15 metal bunk beds for its sleeping quarters. They need to be replaced by a king-sized bed that faces a large piece of artwork showing a map of the United States with the states color-coded in red and blue to depict the final Electoral College standings in the last presidential election.
On the desk of the JFK bunker there are two black phones and a red phone. In an abundance of caution, all communication devices need to be removed from the DJT bunker.
Although, there may be an exception made for a red call-button on the desk to be used in the event of a Coca-Cola request.
While President Trump is in “bunker timeout,” the country will be run by Russian-probe special counsel Robert Mueller, with an assist from Vice President Mike Pence, whose main task will be to stare earnestly into TV cameras while conducting group prayer.
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Read Frank Cerabino’s recent columns online at myPalmBeachPost.com/frank