Cerabino: Nominees for 2017 Florida Gun Owner of the Year Award are …

5:51 p.m Thursday, Dec. 28, 2017 Local
Frank Cerabino

In the spirit of honoring dubious achievements, we here at the Citizens Against Virtually Everything (CAVE) are back again to announce this year’s winner of our coveted Florida Gun Owner of the Year Award.

This is some stiff competition, and we mean that in both the figurative and literal sense, here in Florida, The Accidental Discharge State.

So we’re going to leave it up to you to pick a winner from these seven finalists. Reply with your votes.

Here are the nominees:

Finalist Number 1: This must be why they’re not called “women’s best friend.”

Brian Murphy, of Jacksonville, kept a loaded firearm on the nightstand next to his bed. One night, after walking his dog, Diesel, the dog attempted to jump back in bed, where Murphy’s girlfriend was already sleeping.

The dog misjudged the landing, hitting the gun, which fired a round, striking Murphy’s girlfriend in the right leg.

Finalist Number 2: You had me at strip club bathroom selfie

Rorn Sorn, 34, an Asian Pride Gang member, attempted to take a selfie in the bathroom of Club Lust, in St. Petersburg, this summer. While holding a handgun for the selfie, the weapon accidentally discharged, sending a bullet through the bathroom mirror, and into the adjacent women’s restroom in the strip club.

No one was hurt.

Finalist Number 3: I guess this means the weapon was fully cocked

Cedric Jelks, 38, of Jacksonville, climbed into his vehicle this summer without realizing he was sitting down on his loaded handgun on the driver’s seat.

The gun went off, wounding Jelks as the bullet struck him in the penis.

He had a tough time describing to medical personnel what had happened. His girlfriend, though, was more talkative.

Finalist Number 4: If your mom had named you “Hair” this might have been avoided.

A Pasco County man caused a stir in a Port Richey Dollar Store after the handgun he had tucked in his pants came loose, hit the floor and fired a round into his foot.

The injured man scurried out of the store before the police arrived. But they soon found him at a local hospital being treated for a gunshot wound to his foot.

The man’s name: Jason Trigger.

Finalist Number 5: As it says in Isaiah, “He will tend his Glock like a shepherd.”

While driving a red Corvette, vacationing Episcopal priest William Rian Adams, of Fletcher, North Carolina, opted against turning the other cheek to another vehicle on Florida’s Turnpike in Martin County.

Instead, he displayed his Glock handgun to the other vehicle.

He has since agreed to pay a $1,000 fine, and to not possess a firearm for the duration of his one-year probation. Thank God.

Finalist Number 6: “After you get through with that corn, can you file down the lump on my back?”

While Yaminah Gilbert, 19, was seated and getting a pedicure at a nail salon in Largo, she was shot in the back.

Gilbert was wounded by a bullet that was accidentally discharged by an employee at a gun store that is adjacent to the nail salon.

The gun store employee fired the gun while unloading a customer’s handgun. The bullet traveled through the wall of the gun store, into the nail salon and through the back of Gilbert’s chair before striking her.

Finalist Number 7: Due to a schedule change, we won’t be needing the bazooka for Lesson No. 2

While conducting a safety lesson for a group of children, Plantation police Officer Iris Stan unholstered her Taser stun gun to show the children the proper technique for handling the weapon.

Then she accidentally pulled the trigger, zapping a 10-year-old boy with the stun gun.

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