SunFest, the five-day outdoor festival of music, art, drinking, eating, and more drinking along West Palm Beach’s waterfront, is about to begin. I am here to answer your questions.
Q: I would like to take my emotional support dog with me to listen to Fetty Wap feat Monty on Friday night. The event’s website says that only service dogs that assist people with disability issues will be allowed. What should I do?
A: OK, I’m going to take your word for it that there really is a performer named Fetty Wap feat Monty, and you’re just not punking an old guy just for sport.
As to your question, if you get asked about your dog at the gate, say you suffer from being in large crowds where it’s very hard to see the stage. Explain that this is your “visibility issue.”
Say the word “visibility” really fast while clearing your throat, so it sounds like “disability.” Good luck.
Q: I have a question about pricing on “The Stand” tickets, those premium tickets for people who want to stand directly in front of the stage. Why is it that on Wednesday night, you pay $30 extra to stand in front of the stage for Weezer, but $50 to stand in front of the stage for Snoop Dogg.
A: I’m guessing that extra $20 for Snoop Dogg is for the added value of all that secondary smoke you’ll be inhaling from the stage.
Q: If the JetBlue stage gets too crowded, will they ask for volunteers among the crowd to leave and come back to the next available SunFest?
A: If they do, get them to sweeten the deal with some free South Florida Fair passes.
Q: When is a good time to use the portable toilets, and when should they be avoided?
A: The gates open at 5 p.m. on Wednesday. You’ve got a good 45 minutes after that, then it’s caveat emptor — which is Latin for, “It just looks empty.”
Q: Why are there no bounce houses this year in the Kid Zone?
A: What was the Kid Zone in past SunFests has been re-imagined as the Chill Zone, a place where kids and adults can hang out. Instead of the bounce houses, there will be a big contraption called the Eagle Nest Outfitter’s Lotus Lounge, which is a flower-like structure of multiple hammocks.
This will be the place where adults who are disoriented by too much rum and direct sunlight can immobilize themselves in a prone position until the world stops spinning and the Tylenol kicks in.
These hammocks are bound to be more popular than lost cell phone inquiries.
The hammocks also will be a good spot for patrons to regain their composure after being denied their emotional support dogs during the Fetty Wap feat Monty performance.
Q: Somebody told me I ought to look for a drunk creep at SunFest this year. What’s that all about?
A: You will not have to look for drunks, in all their various forms of creepiness, at SunFest. They will find you.
But I think you misunderstood this. You’re probably looking for a Drunk Dragon crepe, which is a kind of Asian burrito that will be sold by one of the food vendors this year.
Q: What’s the proper way to deal with standing behind a person who shouts “Wooo!” every 10 seconds while raising his or her hands in the air? Should I tell them to just listen to the music, and maybe reapply their deodorant?
A: I recommend you just get used to it. If you don’t like standing behind aromatic drunk people shouting “Wooo!” with the regularity of a lighthouse beam, you’re in the wrong place. If it really bothers you, take a walk and wait in line for a hammock.
Q: What if it rains?
A: Put on your raincoat. If you don’t have a raincoat, find one of those black trash-barrel sized plastic bags. Make sure it’s empty.
Then poke a head hole in the middle of bottom of the bag and two arm holes on either side. Wear it by slipping the open side of the bag over your torso.
If you can’t find a plastic bag and you don’t have a raincoat, seek shelter — but not in one of the portable toilets if it’s after 5:45 p.m. on Wednesday.
Q: Where can I find free parking?
A: Look for the unicorn holding the spot for you on Clematis Street.
Q: Why does SunFest have three floating bars?
A: It’s comforting to know that, if necessary, the crowd control issues at the festival can be immediately improved by setting the drinking barges adrift in the Intracoastal, allowing them to eventually shipwreck on Peanut Island, where those aboard will discover the rest of Palm Beach County’s riffraff.
Q: What does it mean that Ambrosia, your favorite band playing at the festival, has a 1 p.m. slot on Sunday afternoon?
A: It means that you probably wonder if you have the stamina to make it all the way to Steve Winwood at 7:15 p.m. without a hammock or an emotional support dog.