News item: Florida recorded its first sexually transmitted Zika virus case this year, according to the Florida Department of Health.
The confirmed case, on Florida’s west coast, involved a person who has not traveled recently but has a partner who recently traveled to Cuba and later tested positive for Zika.
There is no evidence of transmission through mosquitoes taking place anywhere in Florida, officials said.
There have been 118 Zika virus cases already reported in Florida. Of those, 90 are travel-related, 22 others were from undetermined exposure and 81 are pregnant women.
Officials say it’s important that anyone who travels to an area overseas where Zika is prevalent should prevent mosquito bites for at least three weeks after they return to Florida.
So as a public service, I’ve created the following application form for Florida women to give their prospective partners to ensure that the spread of the Zika virus does not become an epidemic in our state.
Let’s be safe out there.
Dear ________ :
Congratulations! You have been selected as a candidate for further romantic adventures.
Despite what you may have heard, this is a significant accomplishment, and the fact that you have gotten this far is a testament to your abundance of personality, looks and/or financial security.
If you should wish to proceed to the next step in our relationship, one that only a few people have been blessed enough to achieve — at least in the global sense of population — I will require you to follow the following Zika protocol in advance of any future meetings that involves candlelight, mood music or the unisex single-use restroom at the airport.
First step in your application process will be to surrender your passport.
While I trust you to tell the truth about your travels, I will need to verify with government documents the extent of your foreign excursions and also to prevent you from going abroad should you pass all the other parts of this application process and our relationship takes the next step.
Don’t worry. I will keep your passport in a safe place with the others.
Which brings me to the next step. See enclosed hospital gown.
Please familiarize yourself with it. Hint: It opens from the back.
If you decide to go forward with this process, you will need to be wearing it at our next meeting.
I know it might be embarrassing, especially to the other people in the Chick-fil-A. But I am not willing to go any further with our relationship without a thorough epidermal inspection from stem to stern, if you know what I mean.
Before this, you will have to fill out the enclosed Skin Blemish Inventory that catalogs all the marks on your body.
I realize that some of these will be ingrown hairs, zits and other noninfectious markings. But I’ll be the one to decide what is or is not an insect bite. We can sort that out during the exam.
And as you’ll see, if it comes down to a decision to biopsy, I have a steady hand with the blade.
Just remember the slogan: If it’s a bite, not tonight.
Or many other nights in the near future.
As you can read in the fine print on your application, should you be found to have a mosquito bite you will be disqualified on the spot but allowed to reapply for the position no sooner than six months from this date. See enclosed $10 Chick-fil-A gift card, my parting gift to you.
If the skin blemish inventory and visual inspection come back clean, you’re nearly there.
You’ll just need to find a notary to witness your signature on the Long-Pants, Long-Sleeves Declaration. And once you bring back that paperwork, and pass a second full-body inspection, we can put you down on the calendar.
I still have an opening or two in late October.