News item: President Donald Trump announced Monday a plan to privatize the nation’s air traffic control system. The job of tracking and guiding airplanes would be taken from the Federal Aviation Administration and put in the hands of a private nonprofit corporation controlled by a 13-member board.
The new company would not have to pay anything to acquire the system’s physical equipment, including towers, and it would be financed by fees paid by airlines and private aircraft owners.
Dear FAA Losers:
It’s me again, President Donald J. Trump.
As my friends in the Sicilian-American community say — and I love the Sicilians, great people, especially the ones who make deep-dish pizzas — revenge is a dish that must be eaten cold, or maybe it’s “coal.” Not sure about that last word. Works both ways.
The point is I haven’t forgotten who my enemies are, even though that list is getting longer every day.
Just so you know, I don’t call you the Federal Aviation Administration. I call you the Failing Aviation Administration. And you’re failing very, very badly. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Morning Joe and Crooked Hillary, who is still losing badly in Michigan, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
And now everybody is laughing at you, FAA.
This is what happens to those who disassociate themselves from the Trump name.
Take Derek Jeter, the once-great New York Yankees shortstop.
His career was going great until he moved out of one of my buildings in New York in the beginning of the 2012 playoffs.
What happens? He breaks his ankle diving for a ground ball.
Naturally, I had to tweet about it: “Derek Jeter had a great career until 3 days ago when he sold his apartment at Trump World Tower — I told him not to sell — karma?”
Jeter should have just talked to Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod, the New York Yankee superstar third baseman. A-Rod’s career was doing just fine until he moved away from one of my New York properties.
“A-Rod was a great player when he lived at Trump Park Avenue — even though he was on the juice!” I tweeted.
So, yes. I keep score.
It’s bad karma to mess with the Trump name, Failing Aviation Administration. I tried to warn you two years ago.
But did you listen? No.
You renamed the navigational coordinates that were used to fly in and out of Palm Beach International Airport.
The navigational points on these paths were named after me: DONLD, TRMMP and UFIRD.
But you changed them to something else. Some loser names. Probably never thought I’d be president, did you?
You’re like Bruce Pelly, the Palm Beach County airports director, who is a total joke.
He allowed planes to fly directly over Mar-a-Lago, my Palm Beach private club, which by the way, is the best in the world. At least that’s what people keep telling me.
I told Pelly to adjust the flight paths. He didn’t listen to me. “The solution for him is to get elected president,” Pelly said. “If he were president then the FAA would ban planes from flying over Mar-a-Lago.”
Done, Not-So-Swelly Pelly. I call him Not-So-Swelly Pelly.
I might not be able to get a budget or a health care bill through Congress, but nobody is better than Trump on settling grudges. Eventually.
Pelly’s day is coming. I’m giving him time to get his affairs in order before I ship him to Gitmo.
As for you, Failing Aviation Administration, you’ll be lucky to get as much funding as Planned Parenthood when I get done with you.
Or as you used to say on one of your great-but-discontinued Palm Beach International Airport approach coordinates: UFIRD.