To: Palm Beach County Commissioners
From: CAVE (Citizens Against Virtually Everything) Society
Subject:Nude beach proposal
As you know, we here at the CAVE Society have been serving this community for decades now, providing a sensible dose of opposition for nearly every new — and bad — idea that comes your way. From new baseball stadiums, to new Walmarts, to new swampland communities with drive-thru Starbucks, we have been the voice of saying not only “No!”, but also, “(Expletive Deleted) no!”
If it were up to us, Military Trail would still be the western boundary of civilization, we’d all be drinking well water, and the only reason to go to downtown West Palm Beach would be to shop at the Woolworth’s.
But the world keeps changing, and always for the worse. (Unless you happen to be a circus elephant.) It’s a shame we’re the only folks who notice the downward spiral of new ideas and want to do something to stop them.
Which brings me to the point of this memo. It has come to our attention that some subversive group calling itself the Palm Beach County Freedom Beach Initiative is lobbying you to create a “clothing optional” beach in Palm Beach County.
“Unlike many years ago, clothing optional beaches have become very popular with tourists and residents alike,” the group’s letter to you reads. “We would like to get this done without having to form a PAC or other formal organization so you can take the lead and credit for this untapped tax revenue source.”
OK, so the idea is that instead of nudists driving all the way to Miami-Dade’s Haulover Beach or Fort Pierce’s Blind Creek Beach, they would feed the parking meters and spend money buying sunscreen, meals and carcinoma screenings near one of Palm Beach County’s beaches.
The group suggested the best local beach to allow nudists would be the county-owned Gulfstream Park, a seven-acre stretch which is just south of the oceanfront mobile-home community, Briny Breezes.
This is a terrible idea. Have you gotten a good look at the people who live in Briny Breezes? They’re wonderful people. Especially on the inside.
But nobody has ever been in Briny Breezes and thought, “It’s a shame all these retired Canadians still have their clothes on.”
It made us wonder here at the CAVE Society whether this nude beach proposal is really a clever hoax.
For starters, the guy writing the letter to you on behalf of the Palm Beach County Freedom Beach Initiative signed his name as Karl Dickey.
Dickey? Really? The nude beach guy is somebody named Dickey? With a name like that, we’re a surprised he didn’t ask for the nude beach nearer to the corner of Bush Boulevard.
Sounds like a fake name to us. And names can serve as omens. Would you go for surgery to a Dr. Mel Practice? No, you wouldn’t. So why take advice on what is or isn’t an acceptable level of nudity from a Mr. Dickey?
And you should also consider that if you put this nude beach at Gulfstream Park, its neighbors to the south will be highfalutin Gulf Stream, a town full of people who won’t be amused by the proximity of traveling nudists. It’s a town of about 700 people founded around the Gulf Stream Country Club, and recently ranked as the 11th highest income place in America.
As for the two balls involved in the town crest, one is being hit by a golfer, and the second is being walloped by a polo player galloping by on a pony.
There’s really no more room in that tableau for the design elements required by depicting a leathery nudist.
As we CAVE Society members see it, there is only one location on Palm Beach County’s shoreline where we would not object to a nude beach.
But you’ll have to go through the Secret Service for the oceanfront at Mar-a-Lago.