- Frank Cerabino Palm Beach Post Staff Writer
Dear New Employees:
Welcome to Mar-a-Lago!
Bienvenido. Bine ati venit. Dobro pozhalovat. Herzlich willkommen. Dobrodosli.
I know you will do your part to make the Mar-a-Lago workforce great again. And none of you will get sick, complain about overtime, need to get off early to pick up a spouse or do any of the other selfish things that make domestic workers such entitlement queens.
Each of you has been extremely vetted on the question of whether you will cook, clean and serve for a wage of $10.33 an hour to $13.34 an hour. Congratulations on passing this rigorous screening test/wage agreement.
If it weren’t for you and the economic sacrifices you are making, it would be hard running a private club that’s dedicated to amusing a few hundred people who require enormous tax relief to help defray the cost of their $200,000 club initiation fees.
So thank you.
This year we are adding an exciting feature for our foreign workers by offering a payment option in the form of vouchers to Trump University. In the past, this exciting get-rich-quick seminar program was offered only to Americans, who frequently found it to be an experience they would never forget. (Many have lined up in California and New York to offer their testimonials.)
If you’re interested, you are entitled to a free photo of yourself standing next to President Trump* — something that will impress your family back in your impoverished home country. (*life-size cardboard cutout.)
Speaking of your home country, if during the course of your employment at Mar-a-Lago the president wakes up one day at 5 a.m. and tweets your country onto the travel ban list, don’t panic.
It will probably fail to withstand a court challenge, and at any rate, it won’t jeopardize your employment here for the rest of the season. Worst comes to worst, Melania will extend you dual citizenship to Slovenia, assuming Slovenia hasn’t been added to the list.
As for your schedule, we’re still in the process of getting a handle on events for the upcoming season. It looks like we may not have many charity galas here at the club this season due to some scheduling issues related to the U.S. Civil War.
Don’t ask. It’s a long story. And speaking of stories, please avoid watching American TV news while you’re here. It’s all fake, except for Fox News. The other channels are spreading lies about a so-called Russia investigation that is just a hoax.
Some of the members here may even be whispering about this fake Russia investigation. Please do not eavesdrop on their conversations.
And if you do hear anybody speaking Russian, we recommend you forget what you’ve heard, or you may be discussing it someday with a “Mr. Mueller.” In fact, if while serving, cooking or cleaning, you hear the word “Mueller” or “Russia” you have permission get out of hearing range as quickly as possible.
For your own good.
Some of you may even be approached by Mr. Mueller or his associates, who may ask you to wear something called “a wire.” If so, decline and report this immediately to your supervisor.
Which brings us to the daily strip search. We know this is an inconvenience for you, to have to submit yourself every day to an intrusive body cavity search when you arrive for work.
But it can’t be helped. We’ll try to do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.