Cerabino: Mar-a-Lago welcomes new crop of Ameri … uh … foreign workers


News item: President Donald Trump’s private club on Palm Beach has received permission to hire 70 foreign workers for the upcoming social season. 

Trump, who has urged businesses to “hire American,” is importing maids, cooks and servers to Mar-a-Lago through a U.S. Labor Department program designed to bring in foreign labor to do jobs that Americans are unwilling to do. 

CareerSource Palm Beach County, a nonprofit job placement agency, says it has 5,136 qualified local residents looking for hospitality industry jobs in the area.

***

Dear New Employees:

Welcome to Mar-a-Lago!

Bienvenido. Bine ati venitDobro pozhalovatHerzlich willkommenDobrodosli.

I know you will do your part to make the Mar-a-Lago workforce great again. And none of you will get sick, complain about overtime, need to get off early to pick up a spouse or do any of the other selfish things that make domestic workers such entitlement queens.

Each of you has been extremely vetted on the question of whether you will cook, clean and serve for a wage of $10.33 an hour to $13.34 an hour. Congratulations on passing this rigorous screening test/wage agreement.

If it weren’t for you and the economic sacrifices you are making, it would be hard running a private club that’s dedicated to amusing a few hundred people who require enormous tax relief to help defray the cost of their $200,000 club initiation fees.

So thank you.

Gracias.SpasibaDekuji.

This year we are adding an exciting feature for our foreign workers by offering a payment option in the form of vouchers to Trump University. In the past, this exciting get-rich-quick seminar program was offered only to Americans, who frequently found it to be an experience they would never forget. (Many have lined up in California and New York to offer their testimonials.)

If you’re interested, you are entitled to a free photo of yourself standing next to President Trump* — something that will impress your family back in your impoverished home country. (*life-size cardboard cutout.)

Speaking of your home country, if during the course of your employment at Mar-a-Lago the president wakes up one day at 5 a.m. and tweets your country onto the travel ban list, don’t panic.

It will probably fail to withstand a court challenge, and at any rate, it won’t jeopardize your employment here for the rest of the season. Worst comes to worst, Melania will extend you dual citizenship to Slovenia, assuming Slovenia hasn’t been added to the list.

As for your schedule, we’re still in the process of getting a handle on events for the upcoming season. It looks like we may not have many charity galas here at the club this season due to some scheduling issues related to the U.S. Civil War.

Don’t ask. It’s a long story. And speaking of stories, please avoid watching American TV news while you’re here. It’s all fake, except for Fox News. The other channels are spreading lies about a so-called Russia investigation that is just a hoax.

Some of the members here may even be whispering about this fake Russia investigation. Please do not eavesdrop on their conversations.

And if you do hear anybody speaking Russian, we recommend you forget what you’ve heard, or you may be discussing it someday with a “Mr. Mueller.” In fact, if while serving, cooking or cleaning, you hear the word “Mueller” or “Russia” you have permission get out of hearing range as quickly as possible.

For your own good.

Some of you may even be approached by Mr. Mueller or his associates, who may ask you to wear something called “a wire.” If so, decline and report this immediately to your supervisor.

Which brings us to the daily strip search. We know this is an inconvenience for you, to have to submit yourself every day to an intrusive body cavity search when you arrive for work.

But it can’t be helped. We’ll try to do it as quickly and painlessly as possible.

Sorry!

Scusi!PardonProstite!



Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

It’s not all about the turkey: 9 things you probably didn't know about Thanksgiving
It’s not all about the turkey: 9 things you probably didn't know about Thanksgiving

Each year, Thanksgiving comes around with with the giddy anticipation of devoruing comfort food and spending some QT with loved ones, which reminds you just what what you are thankful for the most. The rich, deep history of this centuries-old tradition is woven into the United States' cultural fabric, yet, there are still many aspects of the holiday...
Debate settled: This is the right time to put up your Christmas tree
Debate settled: This is the right time to put up your Christmas tree

While it may never reach the level of controversy of how to hang the toilet paper roll or which way to load the dishwasher, the right time to put up the Christmas tree is a heavily-debated household topic. There are answers to this question that depend on everything from Prince Albert to the opinion of tree growers to something called Adelaide...
BREAKING: Man shot to death in Boynton Beach
BREAKING: Man shot to death in Boynton Beach

A man was shot and killed Sunday night at a Boynton Beach park where an estimated 50 people had assembled. The man, who was not identified by Boynton Beach Police, was found shortly after 8 p.m. when police responded to a call of shots fired at Caloosa Park, 1300 S.W. 35th Ave. Officers saw about 50 people quickly dispersing from a basketball court...
NEW: Protesters decry alleged animal abuse at Monkey Jungle
NEW: Protesters decry alleged animal abuse at Monkey Jungle

Closed since Hurricane Irma caused damage in September, Monkey Jungle is still drawing crowds. Unfortunately for the southern Miami-Dade County tourist attraction, the 50 people who showed up Sunday were there to protest what have been called "abysmal" conditions in which hundreds of animals live. A former employee recently accused the 80-year-old...
UPDATE: Toddler dies after being found in suburban Boca pond
UPDATE: Toddler dies after being found in suburban Boca pond

A toddler pulled from a pond in a suburban Boca Raton development Sunday afternoon has died, according to the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office. Teri Barbera, director of public information for the sheriff’s office, said detectives are investigating the events that led to the child ending up in the pond. Palm Beach County Fire Rescue crews...
More Stories