Subject: Upcoming bookings at the club
Please note the following changes to our schedule for next season, which is no reflection of the terrific job we all have been doing— especially me — to make Mar-a-Lago and America great again.
The American Cancer Society event for 2018 has been canceled due to inclement weather.
The Cleveland Clinic’s annual fundraiser and gala will be held elsewhere due to failings of Obamacare, which is collapsing miserably, buh-lieve me.
The American Friends of Magen David Adom, which raises money for Israel’s equivalent of the Red Cross, will not be joining us as previously scheduled next year due to radical Islamic terrorism.
Yes, I said those three words. A lot of people are thanking me for that.
Also, please scratch The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in New York from the schedule. I hear the reason is they expect a cure before the end of the year. That’s what I’m hearing.
They’re great people, the leukemia people. And they love me. But they’re saying, “Donald, we desperately want to have an event at your club, but how could we with a cure? It changes the whole ballgame.” Sad!
The Palm Beach Zoo won’t be having their event at the club either. Which is fine by me. I like the animals that aren’t captured.
The American Red Cross told me they would really love to have their event at Mar-a-Lago next year, too. But I turned them down. Their breath has been very bad in the past.
Unfortunately, we also had to remove The Dana Farber Cancer Institute event from our calendar next year because it conflicts with a dinner I had scheduled with my advisers — Sean Hannity and the cast from Fox & Friends.
The Salvation Army Holiday Snow Ball will not be held at Mar-a-Lago so we can all say “Merry Christmas” again. You’re welcome.
The Susan G. Komen Foundation “Perfect Pink Party” gala will not be held at our club next year due to a scheduling conflict with the “Night of the Tiki Torches” gala held by some of the very fine people in the neo-Nazi community.
You’re going to have to also remove events by the The Autism Project of Palm Beach County, The Ryan Licht Sang Bipolar Foundation and Unicorn Children’s Foundation from the schedule next season due to wet paint.
I’ve also been informed by my daughter-in-law, Lara Trump, that her charity, the Big Dog Ranch Rescue, would not be holding its event at the club next year. On a related note, please reassign my son Eric’s bedroom at the club to the Russian ambassador.
I’ve had to also remove The Preservation Foundation of Palm Beach event from the club’s schedule. Unfortunately, they’ve done very little to preserve our beautiful Confederate statues across America. So no great loss there.
In the near future, we will be partnering with some very impressive preservation foundations, my attorney general tells me. Stay tuned!
The Lois Pope Life Foundation and Leaders in Furthering Education is canceling its event at the club due to concerns over excessive government regulations put in place by the Obama administration as well as wiretapping of the club by the FBI.
This will be fixed sooner rather than later. That I can tell you.
And finally, The Kravis Center’s Palm Beach Wine Auction Dinner will not be held at the club. We had to move them out in order to make room for a Friends of the Confederacy Slave Auction Dinner inadvertently scheduled on that same night.
If there are other cancellations and schedule changes, I will let you know and tell you the truth about what’s really going on, because there’s a lot of fake news out there that is trying to make these schedule changes sound like some kind of rebuke of my presidency.
Which as you know is going very, very, very well. That’s what everybody is telling me. They can’t believe how smooth everything is going and how much I’ve already accomplished in such a short time.
Got to go, now. Some other charity group is on the line calling to congratulate me.