Cerabino: No ifs, ands or butts. Sign me up for an intersection


There’s a new law that directs the Florida Department of Transportation to create honorary designations on roadways, bridges, and other transportation facilities around the state.

So far, the state is planning to spend $43,000 to install 37 designation markers to honor those who have already been selected. These people include boxer Muhammad Ali, who is getting a boulevard in Miami-Dade, and golfer Arnold Palmer, who is getting an expressway in Orange County.

Palm Beach County isn’t getting any of the markers. And at this point, we’re going to have to wait and see about nominating Tiger Woods, unless the state wants to designate a “sobriety-testing roadside shoulder” in Jupiter.

READ MORE FROM FRANK CERABINO

In the meantime, we should look for other candidates for transportation signage designation.

And while you’re thinking of suitable candidates, put me on the list.

I know. I know. It’s a bold move to nominate yourself for an honor. But I don’t ask for much.

And I don’t even want a whole road. I’m just asking for an intersection.

One particular intersection.

I was inspired just this week by one of my readers, James Rovezzi, who began his correspondence with me this way: “You’ve been an —-hole for at least 27 years.”

That’s what we call “a good lead” in the journalism business. Naturally, I was hooked.

“Apparently, you can’t control yourself,” Rovezzi continued.

He went on to wonder whether I was bullied as a youth or had become addicted to Kool-Aid, which he misspelled (a common trait among this genre). Then he complained about a recent column I wrote.

“I stopped reading your column 26 years ago, but today I noticed and I realized it must be the koolaide addiction,” he wrote.

So let’s recap:

Year 1: Cerabino is an —-hole

Years 2-26: Scrupulously avoiding eye contact with Cerabino’s column

Year 27: A “noticing” mishap occurs

There Rovezzi was, just minding his own business reading the paper and the next thing you know, his eyes started careening uncontrollably on the page, ending up at the bottom, in the ditch where my column resides.

And he fell in, unwittingly dragged through all 933 words of that column, which failed to mention what a terrific president Donald Trump is turning out to be.

Rovezzi is far from the first reader to explain his knowledge of my writing as a regrettable accident. Some of my best readers don’t read my column.

Are you paying attention, Florida Department of Transportation?

You’ve been naming streets and bridges and overpasses after people who’ve done laudable things. It’s time you consider making designations that would serve as cautionary public safety advisories.

I want the corner of Military Trail and Okeechobee Boulevard in West Palm Beach. You can call it “The Columnist Frank Cerabino Intersection.”

It’s very fitting. That intersection is always one of the most accident-prone ones in Palm Beach County. There are frequent mishaps there, both with cars and pedestrians. Lots of unintentional careening goes on.

And it’s fitting in another way.

The body part that Rovezzi used to describe me is eerily in line with something I’ve been saying for years about the corner of Military Boulevard and Okeechobee Boulevard: That if God wanted to give Palm Beach County an enema, that’s where the hose would go.

So think about it. In a figurative sense, that intersection’s got my name on it already.

All you’d be doing, Florida DOT, is making it official with the sign.

Roads and bridges shouldn’t only be named after heroes. Every now and then, it’s good to recognize an —-hole.



Reader Comments ...


Next Up in Local

Missing Uber, Lyft driver found at LA hospital
Missing Uber, Lyft driver found at LA hospital

A California man who worked for two ride sharing services and had been missing for more than a week was found Monday night in a Los Angeles hospital, KABC reported.  Joshua Thiede, an Uber and Lyft driver, was last seen around 11:30 a.m. Feb. 11 in Los Angeles, KABC reported. The next day, his mother said a 911 call had been made from...
Officials: Woman started massive blaze after losing home in divorce
Officials: Woman started massive blaze after losing home in divorce

Authorities said a Georgia woman accused of setting a fire that spread to 19 houses started it in the house she lost in a divorce. Paulding County fire officials said Adrienne Satterly, 41, of Hiram, stacked a pile of mattresses in the living room of the home, on Rosemont Court in Hiram, early Sunday morning. She then lit the mattresses on fire...
Cerabino: Robinson at FAU to talk about life in political spin cycle
Cerabino: Robinson at FAU to talk about life in political spin cycle

The way Pulitzer-Prize-winning columnist and frequent TV pundit Eugene Robinson sees it, we here in the media world let a good thing slip away. “It used to be you’d get to work in the morning, and not early in the morning, and you’d work on one story all day and then at 6:30, you went to the bar. “Now we pretty much work 24...
911 dispatcher dies in crash; husband hears emergency call on scanner 
911 dispatcher dies in crash; husband hears emergency call on scanner 

A Minnesota man listening to emergency dispatch audio learned that his wife, a 911 dispatcher, was killed in a crash with a wrong-way driver as she headed for work, the Star Tribune reported. Jenna L. Bixby, 30, died Saturday night in the head-on crash in the Minneapolis suburb of Brooklyn Park, authorities said. Her husband, Daniel Bixby, was...
Prosecutors: Missing Delray woman’s husband ‘intentionally’ sank boat
Prosecutors: Missing Delray woman’s husband ‘intentionally’ sank boat

Lewis Bennett murdered his wife, Isabella Hellmann, on the high seas in May, then deliberately sank his catamaran in an ultimately failed attempt to stage an accident, prosecutors allege in a federal complaint issued Tuesday, the same morning Bennett was sentenced in Miami on related coin-theft charges. The complaint never says how investigators...
More Stories