- Frank Cerabino Palm Beach Post Staff Writer
Here are some some marching group applications that need to be made:
Group name: The Sauntering Snowbirds
Number of marchers: More than enough. But hard to say on any given night, because of conflicts with clubhouse card games.
Attire: Let’s hope so.
Vehicle included?: A road-salt-caked Toyota Camry will lead the group. Vehicle subject to sudden, inexplicable stops in the middle of the parade route. Possible reversing too.
Entertainment feature: Marchers singing along to “Baby, it’s cold outside” while tossing out candies wrapped in applications for Florida’s homestead exemption.
Group name: The “Helmets Suck” Motorcycle Club of Palm Beach County
Number of marchers: Zero. Everybody will be on motorcycles.
Attire: No helmets.
Vehicle included?: Organ donation sag wagon
Entertainment feature: Riders will start out in a pack, but eventually decide that they need to race each other by weaving in and around groups of marchers ahead of them. This will end dramatically when they run into the Pickup Trucks Hauling Too Much Junk Association of Palm Beach County.
Group name: The Pickup Trucks Hauling Too Much Junk Association of Palm Beach County
Number of marchers: Depends how much stuff falls off the trucks.
Attire: Not visible, unless drivers leave vehicles to retrieve lawn furniture, aluminum siding, and arm chairs that fall off the backs of their trucks and litter the parade route.
Vehicle included?: Numerous, though not many without tire issues
Entertainment feature: Watching the parade marchers behind them trying to avoid the stuff falling from the trucks.
Group name: The Priority Boarders of Palm Beach International Airport
Number of marchers: More than you might imagine
Attire: Costco casual
Vehicle included?: Wheelchairs to facilitate ruse of immobility that will miraculously be cured upon arrival at destination cities.
Entertainment feature: Precision wheelchair formation, as walking marchers dressed in Jet Blue and Southwest Airlines uniforms will push the wheelchair riders along. Every so often, the group will stop, and the wheelchair riders will stand up, throw down their canes, and run around in the formation several times shouting “We’ve landed! We’ve landed!” before sitting down again.
Group name: The People Who Wave to Trump’s Motorcade
Number of marchers: Numbers are tools of fake news.
Attire: Red ball caps, no NFL apparel
Vehicle included?: Why do you want to know?
Entertainment feature: Marching to strains of “Happy Days are Here Again” while being jeered by people lining the parade route who can’t afford their health insurance anymore because of the sabotage of Obamacare and non-existent replacement, and who are upset that the “middle-class tax cut” plan features tax increases on many in middle class while giving the overwhelming majority of tax cuts to corporations and top 1 percent of individual earners.
Group name: The Emotionally Needy Dog Owners of Palm Beach County
Number of marchers: Even bigger than the Pahokee High School marching band
Attire: Vests (for dogs); Lilly Pulitzer (for dog owners)
Vehicle included?: Lots of little strollers
Entertainment feature: When the emotional support dogs make a break for it in the middle of parade, jumping out of their strollers to dash in the direction of all that deep fried meat at the fair.