A bird? A plane? No, just Italian sausage terror in South Florida


News item: A South Florida family was startled in the middle of the night by five packages of frozen Italian sausage pelting the roof of their home.

“It was loud,” Travis Austin of Deerfield Beach told a local TV news station. “It was like thunder, and it awakened me out of a sleep.”

The 15 pounds of Italian sausage was packaged more than 100 miles away in Arcadia and sent to a customer in Myakka City months ago, the family learned. But how and why those packages of Italian sausage ended up falling on the roof of their home in a distant county is still a mystery in this story, which has gotten national attention.

“You got your planes and your sausage-throwing machines,” Austin told ABC-TV late-night talk host Jimmy Kimmel on Wednesday’s show.

*

From: U.S. Department of Homeland Security

To: All Agencies

Subject: South Florida threat assessment

*

Be advised, we are currently gathering information on what may be a sleeper cell operating in South Florida.

We have reason to believe that a little-known terrorist group named Al-ShaBobby Baccala may be going operational.

The group deploys IEDs — Italian Edible Deliveries — which are typically pork-based meats and stinky cheeses, but may also extend to family-size cans of scungilli and string-tied braciole projectiles.

In recent days, we have been investigating an Italian sausage bombing in Deerfield Beach. We are still waiting for lab results on whether it was the sweet or the spicy and checking the casings for prints. Meanwhile, agents are combing the nearby area to look for signs of any unusual activity in sales of peppers and onions.

Fortunately, the damage from this initial attack was minimal, but analysts believe that this might have just been a test flight, and they worry that greater payloads may be possible in future bombings.

Intelligence reports suggest that Al-ShaBobby Baccala has been working on capabilities to deploy bigger, more damaging payloads, including 16-pound mortadellas, table-sized portions of capuzzelle (lamb’s head), and 50-pound wheels of Pecorino Romano cheese.

We could be in the early stages of a full-fledged charcuterie assault, with the enemy counting on the element of soppressata, and thereby breaking our will to eat light.

While other terrorist groups aim for instant results in their campaigns by using explosive devices and vehicles to create instant carnage, Al-ShaBobby Baccala takes a longer, more patient approach. The real damage from these attacks, analyst believe, is to make Americans want to eat more Italian meats and dip into our olive oil reserves.

And instead of trying to seize your land, their overall aim may be to seize your arteries by myocardial ischemia from the over-consumption of cured meats like prosciuttocapocollo and guanciale pork jowls.

Until now, this long approach that centers on the weaponizing of Italian meats, formally known as TMS, The Mangia Strategy, had mainly been practiced by over-indulgent Italian grandmothers.

Should this aerial bombardment of tasty, but unhealthy, products continue, we are considering enacting some prudent safeguards, including requiring all patrons to Italian markets in South Florida to remove their shoes before entering (just to show them how their feet swell from all the salt in those cured meats).

In the meantime, we will be encouraging citizens to be extra vigilant, and to periodically inspect their rooftops and the property around their homes.

And to remember this: If you see salumi, say something.



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