News item: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has developed a “Mar-a-Lago Strategy” to prevent President Donald Trump from hobnobbing, soliciting advice and telling secrets to club members and friends while at his Florida club this season, sources told Vanity Fair magazine.
Last season, Trump turned his dinner table into an open-air Situation Room when North Korea test-fired a ballistic missile. Guests posted photos on social media, including one of the nuclear football on the lanai.
Kelly’s Mar-a-Lago Strategy will center on ways to keep Trump “out of the dining room” at the club, sources said.
To: All Mar-a-Lago personnel
From: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly
Subject: Implementing the Mar-a-Lago Strategy
In the interest of national security, the strategy, aka Operation Blabbermouth, will go into effect immediately the next time the President of the United States (POTUS) makes a weekend visit to his private club in Palm Beach.
Using top-secret National Security Agency eavesdropping technology as well as tracking devices normally used for Florida panthers that we’ve borrowed from the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, we will have up-to-the-second monitoring of the POTUS and his movements during his Florida golfing weekends.
An analysis of historical data has shown that he is generally slow moving and prone to lengthy stops in front of operating television sets. And when he is moving, he tends to head in the direction of charred meats, younger women and cellular devices with Twitter apps.
We have made a concerted effort to dissuade POTUS from making pointless weekend trips to Palm Beach. We’ve explained that these trips are expensive to the public, logistically inconvenient to other government officials, cumbersome in the event of an emergency, and disruptive to the lives of many Americans.
But he is driven to break Barack Obama’s presidential golfing record, saying it’s one of the last remaining items of Obama’s legacy he has yet to erase.
And so we fully expect he will be spending multiple “working weekends” in Palm Beach County, playing rounds at his golf courses in Jupiter and West Palm Beach, punctuated by vast hours of TV watching and wandering aimlessly around his club.
In the past, when POTUS explored his club habitat, he has turned up at private weddings and club-member dinners, where he frequently speaks extemporaneously, thereby putting the nation at great risk.
This can’t continue. Isolating POTUS in the non-public areas of Mar-a-Lago, often against his will, must be done for the good of the nation.
We are waiting for a ruling from the White House counsel and the U.S. Surgeon General on whether anesthetizing darts can be used.
In the meantime, we are taking proactive measures to keep POTUS away from the Mar-a-Lago dining areas by erecting large bookcases at the entrances to the room and putting signs over the doors that say “Welcome to the Library.”
The sight of books and the word “library” should provide a natural deterrent to POTUS.
If this doesn’t work, we will employ some Fox News psychological warfare tactics.
We have arranged with some of that network’s more sycophantic hosts, such as Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine, and Morning Doocy, to be on short standby to interrupt Saturday evening programming to deliver hours of gushing tributes to POTUS.
In this scenario, when it appears POTUS is ready to wander into the dining room, an aide will tell him, “Mr. President, Fox News is doing a special program about how you’re the best president ever. Even better than Lincoln. They’re talking about carving out more room at Mount Rushmore. Would you like to watch TV?”
That ought to turn him around.
And if that doesn’t work, we have the nuclear option in the form of a three-hour documentary on his Electoral College win in November, complete with video altered to show a much bigger crowd size at his inaugural.
This should only be used as a last resort. Because once he sees it, he might never be able to focus on anything else again. We hope it doesn’t get to that.
The best way to make Operation Blabbermouth a success is to impress upon every one of you to do your part.
Be vigilant. It won’t be easy.
And all of you must help. You must be the eyes and the ears of this operation.
Remember, if you see something orange, say something.